Panic At Balagio
There was total panic at the Balagio Hotel in Las Vegas last night as Kermit The Frog suddenly grabbed his puppeteer by the back of the neck and drug him backstage.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Drink "Seven Up" Every Four Hours
Makers of "Seven Up" bottled drink admit that their new formula contains small amount of Viagra. Dr. Pecker admits that theirs have Levitra.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
AARP Lowers "Age"
The AARP group has decided to lower the age to enter senior group to those that are still declaring that they are only "Age 39".
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
S. Korean Cloned
In South Korea today, a group of twelve lookalike scientists say they have successfully cloned himself.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Lucky Baseball Fan
Lucky baseball fan who turned in record-breaking baseball to Baseball Hall of Fame receives $1,000 plus free steroid shot in the ass.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
A man who stuffed a lettuce up his nose faces jail term
A West-Midlands man could face jail for stuffing a lettuce up his nose whilst at work in a sandwich bar. He has confessed to a string of other offences. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
written by IN SEINE, 11 March 2009
Strip Club Fees Introduced
A Brooklyn assemblyman introduced a bill today that would require patrons to pay the state $10 every time they visit a strip club or topless joint but most of assemblymen say "We can't afford it."
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Japan's Robot Teacher
Japan's robot teacher calls roll, smiles and scolds, and has sex with 13-year-old boys while smiling with her eerily lifelike face. But developer says it's not about to replace human instructors.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
All Or Nothing
In Las Vegas, billionaire Las Vegas casino magnate Steve Wynn and wife Elaine are headed for divorce, a court official said Tuesday. Couple to have All-Or-Nothing game of "Texas Hold Em" for estate.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
They are taking the Pee
Human rights can be so unfair! Prisoners in Scotland are being compensated for having to slop out. This costs the taxpayer £3,000 a time. Yet free people are not compensated for taking a leak!
written by IN SEINE, 11 March 2009
Man left speechless
A girl from Northern England could face a hefty sentence after biting off the tongue of her boyfriend during a drunken, passionate kissing session. However, her boyfriend was at a loss for words.
written by IN SEINE, 11 March 2009
Bridge painters to be made redundant!
The seemingly endless task of painting the Forth Bridge has been cut short because many paint manufacturers have have gone out of business because of the economic downturn. Sources said today.
written by IN SEINE, 11 March 2009
Bernie Madoff could get 150 years
He could be out in 100 with good behavior...even earlier with death.
written by Mr. Lizard, 11 March 2009
President George W. Bush - The Great Orating Orator
George Bush gave a speech at Gomer Pyle High School in Topeka and said, "Well, isn't it interesting, that our new President Barracks Alabama has not found the weapons of mass destruction either?"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 11 March 2009
"Shotgun Sarah" Is Coming Back
Governor Sarah Palin's publicist says that in order to get Palin back in the political spotlight, they plan on putting out a story that "Shotgun Sarah" has shot the Abominable Snowman.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 11 March 2009
"OctuMom" - Homeowner
"OctuMom" Nadya Suleman has just purchased a house listed at $564,900. It's located in La Habra, Calif. and is walking distance from a day care center, a Babies 'R' Us, and a diaper factory.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 11 March 2009
Where Have You Gone Joe Di...ah Make That John McCain
The most recent Giddy-Up political poll shows that President Barack Obama is still a head of Senator John McCain in popularity by a 99% to 1% margin.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 11 March 2009
The Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer Feud
The Jon Stewart vs. Jim Cramer feud is really getting out of hand. Today Stewart said that Cramer was bald and Cramer responded by saying that Stewart looks a lot like Forest Gump.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 11 March 2009
Police Sketch Artist
A small town police sketch artist's drawing of stick figure of criminal results in the arrest of fifteen bulimics, three models.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Still Another New Calif. Law
In California, a new law goes into effect today that outlaws the scratching of hemorrhoids while driving. However, scratching your head at other driver's antics is still permissible.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Personality Disorders Among Youth Up
New study shows that one in five young adults and teenagers have a personality disorder, one in ten have multiple personalities, each with a personality disorder.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Banks Thank Congress
Five leading banks who are receiving bailout money thank congress. They now can afford thugs to make those people behind in their house payments to get out.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Troubled Time Increase Movie-Goers
As in Troubled economical times before, many Americans are headed to the movies. In fact, some are hiding under seats and staying all night after banks take over their homes.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Another Bad Sign
In yet another sign of a weak economy, politicians say bribes are down nearly 50% from only a year ago. May have to give doners more bailout money.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Obama Reverses Bush Decision
Reversing still another of the George Bush decisions, President Obama told Laura today that she could wear green any time she wanted to.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Bernanke: Recession Not Depression
Bernanke says the current crisis is nothing like the Great Depression. "Nobody's selling apples, just blood. Soup lines
are shorter and the bankers haven't started jumping.....yet."
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
British Government offer Jaguar Land Rover £27m to build new 'green car'
It is thought to be the worlds most expensive vehicle and it is not known which politician it is for.
written by carlito, 11 March 2009
Bernie Boy Madoff's Favorite Drink
BAD NEWS: Bernard Madoff is still in a lot of trouble.
GOOD NEWS: Madoff has just been signed to do a "Got Milk?" commercial.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 11 March 2009
Ann Coulter Gets Dissed By Meghan McCain
Senator John McCain's daughter Meghan says she finds Ann Coulter offensive, insulting, and confusing. When asked to comment Coulter replied, "Hey, the blonde babe is right on the money."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 11 March 2009
Mr. and Mrs. Cat Cora Are Each With Child
Iron Chef America celebrity Cat Cora and her wife Jennifer are both pregnant. Okay, so who brings who the pickles and ice cream?
written by Abel Rodriguez, 11 March 2009
Rush Limbaugh To Star In Disney Movie
In a genius casting move, Walt Disney Pictures has just announced that they have signed Rush Limbaugh to star as the lead in their new children's movie, Mr. Potato Head.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 11 March 2009
The Lower 48 and The Even Lower 1
Relations between the United States and Cuba are better than they have been in decades. The Castro brothers are starting to cast out 51st state feelers.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 11 March 2009
Irish Marriage Council announce findings
The Irish Marriage Council today published its annual findings - After divorcing, women are 23% more likely to remarry their partners than men.
written by carlito, 11 March 2009
Britney On "The View"?
The television Talk Show "The View" is expecting it's ratings to soar after inviting Britney Spears on the show after her recent "The Viewing" Tour.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
McDonalds Drops McHaggis Meal
McDonalds has dropped their "McHaggis" meal in everywhere but Scotland. They say no one anywhere else is eating the McHaggis, which is sort of like a Hot Pocket stuffed with sheep guts.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Obama Disciplines Daughters
President Barack Obama, after being sworn in with his hand on Lincoln's Bible, had to discipline his daughters yesterday for wearing George Washington's wooden teeth.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Bush Begins Speaking Tour
Former president George W. Bush says he will soon start a speaking tour. The first stop will be the Fifth District Grade School in Butler County, Kentucky.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
New Turn About
Report shows that regular homeless people are now living in unsold houses as new homeless middle class who left homes fill up all the shelters.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
California Taxing Everything
In 1996, California became the first state to legalize medical marijuana. Now as cash-strapped as the state is, they say they may legalize marijuana, cocaine, opium, prostitution and tax it.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
N. Korea Accuses Obama
North Korea this morning accused the Obama government of interference with their plan to annihilate South Korea, Japan.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Lincoln Watch Message
Museum reveals engraving hidden in Lincoln watch. "I'll be naked in bed waiting- "Merry" Mary Todd"
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Back In Cave Home
Loan should allow Missouri family to stay in cave home but bears will have to go. It's spring anyway so it's time for them to leave and go have cubs elsewhere.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Bank pretending to be healthy today
The reason? Congress critters are going back to the old accounting: no mark to market. This means, sorta like Madoff.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Madoff to suprise court in his plea
Madoff will plead innocent by reason on insanity. His defense is based on his being a regular reader of TheSpoof, which caused him to confuse fact with fantasy.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Congress plans junket to Cuba
Hankering for a cigar and the good old days of Cuban casinos, congress critters plan a junket to Cuba to see if Castro is dead yet.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Ten shot in Alabama today
This brings the average way down for the week.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
FDA recalls aspartame laden products
The day after the President called for scientific integrity, the FDA has recalled all aspartame products. Most of them also threw up, and cried.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Young Girl Has 6 Organs Plus Tumor Removed
After much brow-knitting and head-scratching,everything but a kidney was returned.
written by Mr. Lizard, 11 March 2009
World Trade Organization bans aspartame
It was reducing the worlds population too much. Property values were going up. Can't have that, now can we?
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Bank evicted from office - fondue set on curb
First Water Mellon bank was thrown out of the Empire State building. Anyone one want a nice fondue set? It's on the curb.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
When one Peso equals one US dollar
Mexico will close the border.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Amero to go into force on Hitler's birthday
Rumors have delayed the April 1st roll out. Tanks are being gassed up now.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Bernanke pledges agressive bubble attack
Stop already. We got hard water here!
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Aliens getting ready to invade Earth
Alien leaders lost trillions in alien-scam. They provided tons of ideas for modern inventions and most people still have never heard of them. "We are going to cover up the GOVERNMENT",they stated.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Madoff suing government
"Everyone just wanted me to keep doing this. I had to turn down tons of government peopl. Who would have thought a straight shooter like Obama would come along."
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Suckers everywhere are getting out the last of thier moneys
It's sucker rally day on Wall Street. For all the folks who forgot what happened last week!
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Hitler's birhday new target for Amerio roll-out
Due to all the rumors, the Amero roll-out is moving to Hitler's birthday. Lacking the cover of April Fools day, this can only add to the expected demonstrations.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Yes, that's right, one dollar for a Peso
The huge crowd around the T.V. in Mexico city cheered as the Peso was poised to advance against the dollar, setting the stage for the introduction of the Amero.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Uncle aspartame's adivce column going flat
Uncle aspartame is in rehab after snorting aspartame packets to distraction.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Mafia eager to settle score with Madoff
While news pundits try to find any possible motive for Madoff's crimes, the Mafia has a bettor idea. Good old fashioned justice.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
The spirit of Madoff lives on
Today the stock market surged on the positive comments of the ringleader of the Federal Reserve, the cappo di tutti cappo.
written by Aspartame Boy, 11 March 2009
Late Snow In Tennessee
Office workers, children at school in Birmingham, Alabama, run to see real snow falling as Al Gore tries to block view outside windows.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Maytag Recalls Good Ole Days, Refrigeraters
Maytag Corp. said Tuesday that it has voluntarily recalled about 1.6 million refrigerators due to electrical problems that could create a fire hazard. Repairman awakened, celebrates with little dance.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
US Ship Was Hunting Subs
Officials: US ship in China spat was hunting subs. "We'd heard there was a Subways or Quizno's around here somewhere", states Captain.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
Madoff May Get 150 Years
Bernie Madoff, who says he will plead guilty, could face up to 150 years. "I'll be older than McCain by the time I get out", he told reporters with a tear in his eye.
written by Bureau, 11 March 2009
