White House to Market ‘Constitution Toilet Paper' With Delsey

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Monday, 12 December 2005

image for White House to Market ‘Constitution Toilet Paper' With Delsey
Bush's new toilet paper

WASHINGTON (AP)-White House aides are finalizing an agreement to market toilet paper which features excerpts from the US Constitution on each sheet, as ordered by US President George Bush in recent weeks.

The unusual marketing effort came about in November, when Republican Congressional leaders met in the Oval Office with Bush to discuss renewing the controversial USA Patriot Act.

Many provisions of the act which had been passed in the traumatic period following the 9/11 attacks have caused sufficient anger to force liberal groups such as the American Civil Liberties Union to join with prominent conservatives to oppose renewal.

Republican leaders told Bush that his foolhardy push to renew the more fascist provisions of the act could further alienate conservatives still angry at the President's idiotic attempt to nominate White House Counsel and Bush's mistress Harriet Miers to the US Supreme Court.

"I don't give a goddamn," Bush reportedly barked. "I'm the President and the Commander-in-Chief. Do it my way or else."

"Mr. President," Karl Rove said, "There is a valid case that the provisions in this law undermine the Constitution."

"Stop throwing the Constitution in my face," Bush screamed in response. "It's just a goddamned piece of toilet paper!"

Bush then ordered Rove, Scooter Libby and Dick Cheney to contact Delsey and get the company to print the Constitution on bathroom tissue to be marketed to the US public through Wal-Mart.

"Get the goddamned Chinese to print it!" he ordered.

Repeated interviews by reporters with those present for the meeting that day all confirm that the President of the United States called the Constitution "a goddamned piece of toilet paper."

Backing up the radical Bush stance, while White House counsel, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had opined that the Constitution "is an outdated document."

At the meeting, Bush also shouted, "the USA Patriot Act isn't even a necessary tool to fight terrorism, it is a dangerous law that infringes on the rights of every American citizen and which undermines the Constitution of the United States. The American people must get used to the loss of their rights if I'm to defend the interests of Big Oil and the rich and pad Republican coffers!"

Until now, the Constitution has stood for more that 200 years as the defining document of US government and the final source to determine if something is legal or right.

Every federal official including the President who takes the oath of office swears to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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