British Surgeons Give Man New Arse

Funny story written by Monochrome

Sunday, 4 December 2005

image for British Surgeons Give Man New Arse
Nurse, remind me to tell the patient how to wipe properly

British surgeons have successfully completed the first ever human arse transplant.

Dr Derry Aire led the crack team in an all night operation to restore the once proud posterior of a so far unnamed 37 year old male who is understood to have suffered catastrophic injuries to his rear end when disposing of a lighted match while seated on a water closet.

The operation has been attempted in the past and while some success has been achieved with Imagine animals, notably the Asiatic Wild Ass, rejection has always been a problem.

"It was something we needed to get to the bottom of." Said the hospital spokesman Hugh Jarce, who went on to deny recent rumours that President Bush had secretly undergone the procedure but that the transplanted arse had rejected him.

Church leaders have been critical of the process. "If God wanted us to all have perfect a butt we'd all have been born with a glute and thigh machine. We should all be happy with what we've got, if God decided to blow this man's arse off, he's done it for a good reason." Commented the Right Reverend Slim Arris, Rector of Six Mile Bottom, Cambridgeshire.

The pressure group, Against Substitute Rear Ends, is apposed to all bottom transplant surgery. ASRE spokesman, Clench Buns said. "We are worried about the psychological effects of this; imagine the trauma which could be caused by looking in the mirror and seeing someone else's arse staring back at you. Think of the donor's family, you could be walking down the street one day and bam! There's your deceased's arse coming towards you - or probably walking away from you."

Prince Charles is said to have been disappointed that natural remedies weren't attempted. "I don't see any reason why we can't grow a new arse from our own body tissue treated with herb and plant extracts." Said the prince whose family have been breeding arses for generations.

Tony Blair claimed that the operation had the smell of success for the British people. "The fact that Britain leads the world in arse transplant technology sends a message to the world. Our arse surgeons can hold their heads up high; I'd like to shake them all by the hand - after they'd washed them thoroughly of course."

The man is expected to leave hospital within the week but will not be able to sit for several months

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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