New Smart Technology Announced for Any Device, Any Time, Anywhere

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Monday, 18 July 2011


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Buying the lion's share of available technology patents from Nortel Corporation, a consortium of industry leaders including Apple, IBM, and Microsoft have launched a new company that offers complete information access and deep monitoring services to everyone, regardless of the device used.

Continuously connected to any laptop, tablet or smart phone, the new "A3" Company provides context sensitive and proactive feedback to the user wherever they are or whenever they need it. Based on GPS location, the A3 service monitors the direction of travel to advise you on alternate routes for your patterns and preferences. If you frequent massage parlors for example, the A3 service recommends one close to you, and even if there's a discount coupon for optional "Happy Ending" services. It also monitors travel speed and crime statistics in real time, advising you when you should ignore the speed limit and bust ass to get out of a particular neighborhood.

At home the A3 service uses advances sound interpretation technology to track how many times you go to the refrigerator for a beer, the splash of your morning constitutional, your sleep and bedroom activities, how effectively you brush your teeth, the television shows you watch and the number of hours each week you exercise. "These are important health and consumer driven statistics", claims lead scientist on the A3 project, Dr. Kisrten Bichtalott. "This way we can determine that this test consumer drinks too much beer, needs to eat more roughage to stay regular, needs more than six hours of sleep a night and should switch hand lotions for less friction during sex, doesn't floss, watches too much reality TV and doesn't exercise. Advertisers can then tailor specific ad programs for this loser, I mean consumer".

At the core of the tracking and interpretation software behind A3, is the Master Oversight Monitor or "MOM". It reportedly does so well at interpreting geo-positioning and ambient sounds, developers say the MOM software knows where you are and what you are doing, 24 hours a day. "It's pretty great to get a phone call from MOM, warning me to avoid a particular Sushi restaurant with a bad inspection record, or with an immediate background check on a guy I'm meeting for the first time", says Dr. Bichalott. "It's not so great when MOM tells me I can't order the cheesecake because I already have too much junk in my trunk".

Critics say the oversight monitor goes too far, collecting perhaps unintended personal information on all your lifestyle patterns. "I mean, like I don't want anyone to know where I go for an occasional beer or five, but I do appreciate the beer goggles camera feature, letting me know if a girl is hot, or if I'm just drinking her pretty". Says beta test subject, Andy Izzenreel.

Critics agree that a consumer can just leave the phone at home and retain their privacy, "Though MOM will wind up asking where you've been, and why you didn't take her with you. She mentions the risk of not having a phone if you're lost or in a car accident or need a quick lawyer", says Izzenreel. "It's kind of creepy".

There was no confirmation that the US Government had already bought rights to the information feed from A3, though insiders at the Pentagon claim that they already receive text and voice warning messages about their personal behavior. One staff administrator tried to order extra peppers on his sandwich at lunch, only to have MOM turn on the speakerphone and declare, "That won't be very good for your Hemorrhoids, now will it?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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