Masturbation 'Biggest Factor' in Elvis-style Fatalities

Funny story written by pinxit

Friday, 6 May 2011


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Masturbation 'Biggest Factor' in Elvis-style Fatalities
8th Biggest Risk: Shaking this man's hand or any other part of his anatomy

Self-abuse, coffee, blowing your nose and straining to defecate could increase the risk of of a fatal stroke similar to Elvis Presley's, say researchers in Madrid.

Eight risk factors were linked to bleeding on the brain. They all increase blood pressure which could result in aneurysms (blood vessels bursting), according to research published in the journal 'Diferentes Estilos' (Diff'rent Strokes).

"Masturbation is the riskiest activity, but a combination of habits done simultaneously or in close proximity make early death almost inevitable" says research head Professore al m├ędico Juan Kerr.

"If an obese middle-aged man drinks a double espresso vodka chaser while simultaneously straining to defecate, smoking a cigarette, blowing his nose, coughing and masturbating on the toilet, then his chances of incurring an fatal infarction rise by 5,000%."

"Fortunately, there are not too many men who can multi-task like that, hence the relatively low incidence of mortality from such an incident." says Prof Kerr.

"Elvis was the exception that proved the rule."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more