Masturbation 'Biggest Factor' in Elvis-style Fatalities

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Friday, 6 May 2011

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8th Biggest Risk: Shaking this man's hand or any other part of his anatomy

Self-abuse, coffee, blowing your nose and straining to defecate could increase the risk of of a fatal stroke similar to Elvis Presley's, say researchers in Madrid.

Eight risk factors were linked to bleeding on the brain. They all increase blood pressure which could result in aneurysms (blood vessels bursting), according to research published in the journal 'Diferentes Estilos' (Diff'rent Strokes).

"Masturbation is the riskiest activity, but a combination of habits done simultaneously or in close proximity make early death almost inevitable" says research head Professore al m├ędico Juan Kerr.

"If an obese middle-aged man drinks a double espresso vodka chaser while simultaneously straining to defecate, smoking a cigarette, blowing his nose, coughing and masturbating on the toilet, then his chances of incurring an fatal infarction rise by 5,000%."

"Fortunately, there are not too many men who can multi-task like that, hence the relatively low incidence of mortality from such an incident." says Prof Kerr.

"Elvis was the exception that proved the rule."

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