Written by Matt Maus

Friday, 8 April 2011


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image for Hadron collider in major collision!
Amateur photo taken immetiately after the incident

The so-called Large Hadron Collider, buried deep underground somewhere in Switzerland finally proved its worth yesterday when at 4.21 pm in the afternoon (GMT) it collided with a large hadron.

A loud cheer rang through the echoing caverns - this was what the coterie of international theoretical scientists and quantum boffins stationed there had been waiting for since they had at last got the thing working last August. Had they been wearing hats, it is likely, in the excitement of the moment, that they would have been tossed off.

Hadrons are very very small, and very very very rare. Large hadrons, though slightly bigger, are rarer by a magnitude of probably two veries. An estimated 3.168 large hadrons exist in the whole of the universe put together. When you compare that to how many other things there are it will give you some idea of their rarity, and indeed their market value.

The scientists have named the large hadron Ron - after Sir Ronald Boson-Higgs, who first predicted its existence.

Once Ron has been checked over by the specialist team of quantum mechanics to make sure it hasn't suffered too much damage in the collision, it will be sealed in a special glass box thing and taken on a world tour of the world, and exhibited at all the major museums the world over.

Some sceptics, however, fear that a collision of this sort with a large hadron of any sort, let alone Ron, will eventually produce a black hole the size of a rainforest, and that anybody venturing too close to it would get sucked off to another parallel multiverse, sort of parallel to ours but separated by a membrane of eleven dimensions, or something, then rolled up like a warped rubber sheet and tied into a buckyball by a length of superstring, or something, in a quantum-gravitational supergravity uncertainty field, or something, where n = 8.

Others say this is pure bollocks.

In the belief that he was being witty, Professor Heinrich MannĂ¼ver of Kegendorf University said of the incident, "This is a giant step for man, a quantum leap for mankind."

Watch our What's On pages for details of when Ron will be coming your way.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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