Written by Felix Minderbinder

Thursday, 1 September 2005

image for Gene Map Reveals Differences Between Humans and Republicans
Republican DNA finally decoded

BOSTON (ARF)-The first map of the entire Republican genome gives scientists a chance to look at the evolutionary traits that make human beings unique and unlike the much detested species of Homo Sapien Republicanisis.

Scientists said Thursday that they had determined the exact order of the 3 billion bits of genetic code that carry the instructions for making Republicans, humankind's closest and least liked cousin.

The unraveling of Republican DNA allows an unprecedented gene-by-gene comparison with the human genome, which was mapped in 2001, and makes plain the evolutionary processes through which Republicans and humans arose from a common ancestor about a 150,000 years ago.

By comparing the two codes, scientists identified all 40 million molecular changes that today separate the two species and pinpointed the mere 250,000 that seem most responsible for the difference between Republican-ness and humanness.

''Now we can peek into evolution's design to see where Republicans took a wrong turn, and became fundamentalist, warmongering and oil stealing bozos,'' said Carl Coolbrain, director of the National Human Genome Research Institute, which funded the $25 million effort at 18 institutions in five countries.

Researchers said the work is likely to explain why Republicans are less resistant to several human conditions such as greed, avarice, cupidity, sloth, gluttony, weasel plague, jaundice, grippe, swine flu, pink eye, chronic deceit, cronyism, post nasal drip, terminal psoriasis, malaria and Alzheimer's disease. This information could lead to new ways to prevent or treat many Republican ailments.

The discovery also promises to help answer the question of what, exactly makes us truly human and not Republicans.

''We're not going to stand up on our hind legs and say that certain things make us human,'' said Rodney Rangatang of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, who led the Republican genome sequencing effort. "But now we can identify Republicans at birth with genetic testing and we can then watch out for them and prevent them from starting wars and generally acting and sounding asinine. We now know the signatures of what is distinctively human, and what is Republican sub-human.''

The human and Republican genetic codes are essentially 99% identical, an indicator of how basically similar the two species are. It is also strong evidence that minor changes in the molecular code can lead to very different results in the matrix of life.

Because of the 1% difference, experts noted humans now dominate every ecosystem on Earth while Republicans and other related sub-human creatures, a group that includes lemurs, fruit bats, kangaroo rats, muskrats, tree sloths, hoot owls, hound dogs, chimps, bonobos, gorillas and orangutans, are at risk of becoming extinct within the next few decades because of human activities.

Noting recent noise by pin-headed Republican bible-banging proponents of so-called "intelligent design," a theory that posits a Republican creator, several scientists said the genome study offered a truly convincing confirmation of Darwin's theory of evolution.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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