Martians Forge Ahead with Nuclear Cold Fusion

Funny story written by Noddy Bigears

Thursday, 20 October 2005

Martians have formally complained to the United Nations Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty Conference regarding the noise levels they are having to endure whilst the European Space Agency (ESA) has been drilling for oil and water on the surface of their planet. The surprise visit by the Martians to the United Nations Conference caused widespread confusion whilst confirming that there is indeed life on Mars.

The ESA scientists deployed a giant radar drilling machine on the surface of Mars in a bid to pinpoint underground lakes and flooded caverns. Prior to the mission start, David Southwood, science director of the European Space Agency, said "'Finding anything that has to do with water on Mars is a holy grail" and he added "'It would be a wonderful discovery." The ESA are using an instrument called Marsis (Mars Advanced Radar for Subsurface and Ionosphere Sounding instrument) which was delivered using Europe's Mars Express satellite. Over the past 16 months, it had made key discoveries of dried-up lakes and sea beds on the planet surface. It was hoped that Marsis would find reservoirs of oil and water beneath the surface.

However, the angry delegation of little green men who arrived this morning by flying saucer outside the United Nations Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty Conference has created more than just a bit of consternation. Things seemed to go badly out of control when security guards opened fire but the Martians instantly put up a force field whilst they took stock of the situation. At this stage of the stand off, United Nations interpreters were employed to use a very wide range of languages to try to break the communication dead lock. The Martians were perplexed by interpreters of all nationalities shouting at them through megaphones but appeared to fall about laughing when they heard the Iranian interpreter and negotiator. They then replied in perfect Iranian but with a slight American accent.

The Martian leader announced his demands which appear to be roughly "We have had enough of these uninvited inspections, please mind your own business and leave us alone to develop our own technologies including the continued use of cold fusion using the frozen core of our planet." The diplomat continued "It was bad enough with the Americans sending those noisy Rover craft rooming all over our planet but now you Europeans have started digging in our back garden, you must remove your inspection craft immediately." At which point the Martians marched back to their flying saucer and left at a scorching velocity into outer space.

However, in Washington, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice announced to reporters that "the Martians should not have access to dangerous cold fusion nuclear technology" and reiterated "that the situation must be referred to the U.N. Security Council, which could impose economic sanctions against the Martians." Rice concluded "They can't have access to certain kinds of technology that we (the US) have not got, and that have a proliferation risk, they may even sell the technology to the Iranians."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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