Greenland Drifts into Upper New York Bay

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

image for Greenland Drifts into Upper New York Bay
A small vessel seen attempting to maneuver around the fugitive land mass.

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Scientists are surprised, but not completely surprised, by Greenland's arrival early Tuesday morning in the Upper New York Bay.

Apparently, scientists had already been monitoring the progress of a massive island of ice more than 4 times the size of Manhattan that was believed to have broken away from Greenland several weeks ago.

"What we didn't realize was - that giant block of ice was actually stationary," explained Dr. C. Newberg, a glaciologist assigned to assess the situation. "It's sort of like what happens when you're sitting still in your car, and you look up and the car next to you has started to move. A lot of times, your first instinct is to hit the brakes because it looks like you're the one that's moving."

In this case, he explained, melting ice allowed Greenland to cleave itself from its smaller neighbor, sending it drifting slowly toward Newfoundland, and ultimately down the Eastern Seaboard and into the Upper New York Bay. Ironically, diligent glaciologists on the block of ice continued to monitor the widening gap between themselves and the world's largest island, unaware what was really happening.

Officials noted the event couldn't have occurred at a worse time. Greenland has now blocked a number of important shipping lanes during a very busy season, and scientists don't expect it to fully melt for several months.

Janet Napolitano has announced that hundreds of Border Patrol agents and customs officers will be dispatched to prowl the Greenland outback and man emergency inspection stations. She said the Department of Homeland Security is reassigning mobile surveillance teams to the New York Bay area, equipped with thermal-imaging devices, trucks armed with detection scopes, as well as observation and utility aircraft, just in case any of the island's 50,000+ residents decides to make a run for it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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