Written by Herr Riballs

Saturday, 24 July 2010

A recent survey, the biggest of its kind, has found that using hand held mobile devices to make calls can lead to the agonising symptoms of Tinnitus.

The debilitating condition of ringing in the ears has left many people deaf with thousands of others contemplating suicide.


Mobile phone giant, Apple, may have found the answer, however.

Chief Executive Steve 'Bobba' Job said at the launch party of the new Iphone 4

"Our scientists have scored a real first in the field of mobile telecommunications.... A phone that DOESN'T make or receive calls."

He continued "Iphone 4 truly revolutionizes the communication experience. A unique programme has been embedded in our hardware that renders phone to ear connectivity useless. Users dialling out will experience full signal drop out."

To demonstrate this he tried ringing his wife in front of the packed assembly hall. There was silent anticipation as he finished dialling the number. Then nothing. The call hadn't connected. The room erupted in applause and cheering at this modern day miracle. Many were in tears.

Tinnitus minister Tim Cochlea said "I never thought I'd live to see the day where trying to call somebody up was impossible. This breakthrough is sure to cut the number of Tinnitus cases."

Job also revealed that taking a call would be abolished too. He said "Users can purchase the iElectrocute software from the app store for £65.99. A tiny electric shock within the device will provide users with a disincentive to put the phone to their ear, accidentally or otherwise."


The study went on to suggest that texting and web browsing has also left many people with debilitating RSI, or Repetitive Strain Injury. Apple boffins have been working round the clock to put a fix into the new software to remedy this.

Job confirmed that loyal 3g customers who have enjoyed lightning speed for 18 months will now experience significantly slower response times and sticking web pages.

"We firmly believe that reduced thumb to phone activity will combat RSI".

In fact, in a recent test, subjects were asked to try texting and web browsing and we recorded the delay. Finger and thumb activity fell by 90% as users waited for pages to load.

Some angry users threw the device against the wall but those who persevered reported better movement in their hand joints.

The rest just gave up and sold their mobile on Envirophone.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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