Controversial new research from the Further Institute of Russian Engineering has suggested that a universal cure for all of humanity's ills is possible; but it's not a drug- it's fire.
"Fire cures all!" says Dr Ignitus, the world's first pyropath, "Our studies have shown that almost all pathogens die when exposed to flame, and fire can be used to clear away the environment in which a pathogen lives, killing it."
Other scientists seem to think the research has some value. The Spoof can exclusively reveal that fire can indeed burn things, reducing such items as wood and paper to ash without difficulty. It also appears that non-flammable objects can be severely damaged by flames.
"It's all very exciting," says Dr Ignitus, "A trial showed that pyropathy can help all manner of illness, for example, an hour long dose of fire cured one patient of a nasty cut on his arm. Sure, there were some side effects, but he's getting used to only using his right arm now."
However, some researchers have been calling for an immediate ban to pyropathy, citing the potential side effects. Some scientists have raised the possibility that the severe damage done to viruses and bacteria could also deal severe damage to people. History also seems to suggest that pyropathy is dangerous, for example, the famous French heroine Joan of Arc suffered considerable pain, injury and subsequent death after being set alight in the fifteenth century. Ignitus however, claims such fears are ungrounded.
"Yes, Joan of Arc suffered a few problems from that," he says, "But I can guarantee, she damn well didn't have a cough, or a cold, or even cancer afterwards. That's the beauty of pyropathy, it can deal with all your problems."
It does however seem that some members of the public also share the concerns about pyropathy, and outside the Institute, a large crowd of protestors are furious about the technique. It also appears that much of the crowd is made up of the families of those who trialled the treatment, and seem to be somewhat annoyed about the resulting deaths. Dr Ignitus however, when the issue of this protest was raised, seemed unfazed.
"Fire cures all..." he said, grinning, and slowly pulling a flamethrower out from underneath his desk.
The debate about pyropathy will rage on. However, it seems that regardless of the outcome, medical science still has exciting new boundaries to test.
