DETROIT (AP) General Motors announced a stunning new automobile that is bound to revive the fortunes of the recently troubled automaker. "After several quarters of lackluster sales, we think we have a breakthrough new car that will revolutionize the automobile market and cut American dependence on foreign oil. For several years we've been talking about developing fuel cell technology, but to tell the truth, not many people seemed willing to drive in a car loaded up with hydrogen. Most folks picture the Hindenburg whenever they think of hydrogen."
"So we scrapped the hydrogen idea and started working on the idea of using a fuel that is easily available and every human being can supply all by themselves! Our new car runs on 100% pure urine! The ammonia available in human urine can drive our new engine even better than high-test gasoline. There is even a dial on the dash that can be turned to select cow or horse urine as well. Early testing shows that the average driver can get as much as 65 miles per quart of human urine -- and even more if he's been drinking a lot of beer recently."
Plans are now underway to replace gas stations with taverns on all major interstate highways -- with hundreds of motorists stopping in to fill their tanks right after happy hour. Of course many motorists will just pull over to the side of the road and piss directly into their own fuel tanks -- and this is perfectly OK. As long as the driver drinks plenty of fluids all day, he should be able to keep his car going indefinitely!
Oil industry analysts are in a panic over the new urine-powered car. Middle East oil sheiks and oil company executives were planning on ever-increasing oil prices and profits over the next several years. Already the average price of gas at the pump dropped to 29 cents a gallon since the urine-powered cars hit the streets. The oil business will have to rely more and more just on sales of lubricants.
American breweries welcomed the news of the urine-powered cars: "We are able to change our brewing techniques in order to make the average beer drinker produce the maximum amount of piss out of every glass of beer consumed! We are even offering a special plastic funnel for the ladies so that they will be able to discreetly relieve themselves into the fuel tank."