Ozzy Osbourne has his DNA sequenced

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 21 June 2010

image for Ozzy Osbourne has his DNA sequenced
Darkness Not Alien

The self styled Prince of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne has had his genome sequenced, joining a very select band of people. The intention is to see what kind of genetic changes have allowed him to still be alive despite decades of substance abuse.

Whilst the full results of the analysis are still years away, Osbourne's DNA has thrown up a few surprises already.

"At first we thought he didn't have any DNA at all," said Craig Ventner, who oversaw the process. "But it turned out that his cells was snorting the solvent we normally use to extract DNA from cells, so we tried again, with a different method."

An interesting sequence in the genes that code for language has thrown up the so called "swearing gene" that renders Osbourne incapable of stringing two words together without inserting profanity.

"We believe we can use this early discovery to mitigate some of the more embarrassing aspects of the coprolalia of Tourette's Syndrome," Ventner said, without explaining that coprolalia is the bit of Tourette's that makes people swear.

Another bizarre difference with Osbourne's DNA is he appears to have some stretches with non-standard base pairs. Standard base pairs are Adenine (A), Guanine (G), Cytosine (C) and Thymine (T). Adenine normally only pairs with Cytosine whilst Guanine normally only pairs with Thymine. In the genes that code for hearing, Osbourne has dihydrouridine (normally only found in RNA) also bonding with cytosine, giving Osbourne a stretch of DNA that reads AC~DC repeated several hundred times.

"We've never seen anything like it," Ventner said. "It may be important. We know Ozzy's not happy about it. We've also found that Osbourne has dihydrouridine linking to methylated adenine, giving him a DNA sample of D-A#, which as many musicians will know is the Devil's interval."

Osbourne is quite pleased with being one of only a handful of fully sequenced humans. "It's brilliant," he said. "They said I'm part banana."

Claims that Osbourne is an alien has been met with derision from Sharon Osbourne. "Ozzy's not an alien," she said. "But he is fucking weird."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more