Detroit, Mich. - A local man is reaching out to the community in hopes that it will convince his friends that he is indeed in a relationship with an attractive female. Bingham Farms resident Peter Jefferson, a handsome mid 20's business type, began dating Jessica Rogers of Troy well over two months ago, however his friends hesitate to believe the relationship until Jefferson alters his Facebook relationship status.
We spoke with a group of Jefferson's friends to see if we could clear the air. "How am I supposed to believe something when I can go on his page right now and see his relationship status is single?" said Jefferson's friend Trey Davis "I mean, what the fuck dude, if you tell me you're a Level 85 on Mafia Wars I'm supposed to just believe you? I need proof."
Another close friend of Peter, Jeff Anderson, doesn't understand the hold up "I just don't get it, why would he not want to expose every detail of his personal life to the world like the rest of us? I know that he's been on Facebook recently because he gave a solid "Maybe" RSVP to the "Guapaholics Entertainment Presents: Club Banger of the Year Part 5 'Straight Classy Hoes' Edition" event, so why not update your relationship status? Doesn't he want the love and compassion he has for this women to be judged by the single profile picture they'll see when they click on the link of her name?"
Co-founder, CEO & President of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg took time away from wiping his ass with $100 bills and having supermodels snort cocaine of his dick to comment on the situation "Hey everyone, its me, Mark Zuckerberg, I helped my friends create Facebook and then fucked them over and now I have $4 billion. I'm just a nice Jewish boy from White Plains, NY, you can trust me, come on guys, just type everything about yourself and your friends and family into Facebook. Oh no, don't ask questions, just do it, I mean what are we going to do with that information anyway? Steal your identity? Come onnnnn, if I was going to do that, would I change the Terms and Conditions of Facebook without telling anybody? Besides, why would I want your identity when I'm Mark fucking Zuckerberg!" exclaimed the CEO, who appeared to be "rolling," possibly not having slept in weeks.
"Maybe that low self-esteem, 'I have to be friends with everybody' douche bag Tom would have sunk to that level, but this is Facebook! We're far too busy facilitating sexual predators and proliferating the demise of personal human interaction to be worried about data mining!" When reporters inquired to Zuckerberg about what the fuck his statement had to do with anything, he declined to elaborate, deciding instead to "Poke" the entire gallery of reporters at the press conference.
Peter Jefferson himself released a brief statement to the public via "Faebook Note," but the clearly inept "Facebooker" neglected to tag anybody in it so it went unnoticed to everybody other then that one girl he was talking to like a way long time ago who pretends to despise him but in reality scans every detail of his page on a daily basis.
Jefferson's alleged girlfriend Jessica Rogers was reached for comment, but she doesn't have a Facebook, LinkedIn or Twitter page, meaning there's no proof of her actual existence.