Tobacco Industry Given Government Approval

Funny story written by Mandi Gordey

Saturday, 10 September 2005

Asphyxiated Press Release == An appeals court Friday dealt a major blow to the government's attempt to hold the tobacco industry accountable for decades of alleged deceit about the dangers of smoking, ruling the Justice Department can't seek $280 billion in penalties.

In a 2-1 decision, a panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit found the government could not use a federal racketeering law to seek the huge penalty.

Marvin Smokemup, speaking on a condition of anonymity said "It's not that the courts are approving of tobacco use, we just find that it is in the best interest of the current administration that nothing be done that could hinder tobacco sales. And whatever is in the interest of this administration helps to insure that nothing will happen from the top down to hamper our department".

Most tobacco sales are made to the poorer class of working American or to illegal alien workers. By making doubly sure that nothing comes between the poor and their cigarettes, it helps assure that the lower classes will die at a younger age, thus helping to insure the solvency of the current social security system.

Last year, a decision was made not to put tobacco sales under the control of the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). "What people don't understand" says Patricia Kizazz of the FDA Public Relations Office "is that if the FDA were to control tobacco, we would have to admit it was a drug, such as heroin, crack cocaine or marijuana, and there is simply too big of a tax base from tobacco sales for this to be allowed".

Heroin, crack cocaine and marijuana are instrumental in maintaining the War on Drugs, which has been a program used for decades to insure the election and re-election of Republican politicians from the town to the federal level. The tobacco industry however, is a major contributor to the Republican Party through its Political Action Committees (PACs). Ms Kizazz went on to say "whatever is in the interest of this administration and the Republican Party helps to insure that nothing will happen from the top down to hamper our department".

Bruce Upmibut, of the American Family Values Association, also spoke up on behalf of the tobacco industry stating "There are also a lot of queers that smoke cigarettes, and our policy has long been that the only good queer is a dead queer". The American Family Values Association is also a heavy contributor of funds to the Republican Party. Along these same lines, there is a bill before the Senate (SB10666) to subsidize the tobacco industries advertising in magazines such as Out, Curve, House and Garden, Psychology Today and other publications that cater to the gay lifestyle. A similar bill has already been approved by the House.

Now that this major hurdle of the tobacco industry has been overcome with the help of judges friendly to the current administration, it can continue with it's primary mission, which is the killing and murder of poorer classes of both Americans and immigrants, along side of the funding of Republican politicians and funneling money to the pharmaceutical industry through the Department of Health and Human Services programs to provide drugs to the needy.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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