Unveiling a new series of alternatively fueled war planes yesterday, the U.S. Department of Defense announced a major shift in policy, converting its entire fleet of naval and air combat assets to renewable bio-fuels.
"It seems a bit hypocritical", says Brigadier General Tommy Blastbottum, "to buy the diesel oil from the Arab world, then bomb them with planes fueled by the same oil."
Current test plans call for retrofitting existing stealth fighters and bombers for bio-diesel fuels, while the rest of the air force arsenal will be converted sometime after 2011. The Navy will run on a slightly different schedule, but has committed to the bio-diesel conversion by 2014.
"We found an optimum mix of certain vegetables that leads to the best performing bio-fuel ever tested. We can't disclose the specific chemical processes involved, but the fuel is based on cabbage, broccoli, asparagus, onions and corn", says Blastbottom.
While there seems to be nothing but upside from the announcement, pilots of the test aircraft have been critical. Captain Ron "Snuffy" Stankman, pilot of the F/A 18 test fighter says, "We're a stealth fighter platform only to radar, but you can smell us coming from a mile away. We create our own early warning system."
Observers at the unveiling ceremony can attest to Stankman's claims. While running a complete set of maneuvers in front of the crowd, many were seen pinching their noses or running to the safety of the air conditioned bunker. "It smells like the worst dump you've ever taken after a night of bratwurst, cabbage, broccoli and beer", says Stankman. "I mean, if this is the future or the Air Force, I'm joining the infantry".