In Siberia, peasants are circulating ducks until they reach elk-speed and then they smash them against each other in an experiment called Large Hardon Collander.
The experiment was started because, based on the number of quacks heard in the air, there should be more ducks than were accounted for.
The collisions will apparently expose Mrs Higg's bosom and reveal dork matter in the resulting quack-bone soup.
This will recreate conditions six days after the Big Bang, when God was resting and submitting to interviews.
Pious observers from all over the world are hoping that these collisions will reveal the 'God cuticle' and explain why Catholics have mass.