LONG ISLAND, NY - Earthworms seldom infect humans, but may soon have the opportunity to do so, according to scientists here.
When earthworms are made to enter into human intestines, they constitute a new treatment for constipation, a study in Long Island suggests, according to Dr. Runepay. (Long Island has tons of constipated people who eat way too much cream cheese, according to Dr. Runepay.)
Infection with earthworm is very rare in Long Island, but rates of constipation are rampant. This was Dr. Runepay's first clue, ever.
Long Island scientists gave local children worms. They were introduced both from above and below.
They found this led to an increase in bowel activity among the children, even the fat constipated ones who ate too much cream cheese and not enough fiber.
The next step is to understand exactly how earthworms do this, and to try it on old people. Dr. Runepay is seeking test subjects who are terminally constipated, people who eat mostly cream cheese with aspartame and chew it thoroughly.
Subjects should collect their own worms and ingest as many as possible prior to reporting to apply for the study at the downtown Post Office.