A leading academic yesterday dismissed the commonly held belief that Sir Isaac Newton formulated his theory of gravity after being struck on the head by an apple as "absolute fucking crap."
Professor Hienk Hungrossen of Reading University said,"It is simply crap. My research proves that Newton shit himself on the way to the bog at the bottom of his garden. This prompted him to ponder, 'Why is the shit running DOWN my legs?' "
The outspoken historian went on to justify his conclusions. "When he addressed the Royal Institution in March 1677 to outline his theories in 'Principia Mathematica' he began with an anecdote about shitting his trousers. When the wigged fuckers heard this they simply fell about laughing so he changed his story to some crap about an apple."
Professor Hungrossen claims he has spent eight years researching his work, "Gravity: An Exercise in Bullshit".
"In this time not one fucking apple has landed on my head, but crucially I have crapped my trousers twice. This is statistically significant and empirical proof that Newton shit his kecks."
The professor's work goes on to dismiss all of Newton's work as, 'lies'. "Look. He was a fucking liar as I have proved, so as academics we have to call him a fucking liar. If I met him now he would be waking up on the floor with a fucking crowd around him."
Professor Hungrossen is no stranger to controversy. In March 2002 he claimed that the Queen Mother who died in her sleep on 31st March, had, "let the entire fucking Commonwealth down by dying, the fucking lightweight." He went on to claim that a deranged Corgi had to be "prised away from her headless corpse."
