Written by Incoming Dessert

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

image for Newton Was Wrong- Gravity Caused By Placebo Effect
The shamed Isaac Newton

The whole world shook yesterday, as scientists proved that gravity was a myth- and managed to lose a country with it.

The astonishing discovery was made by European scientists working in France last week, but no announcement was made until yesterday.

Scientists of the Right, Let's Really Screw Things Up Department (RLRSTUD) have been working on this hypothesis for the past fifty years, but have never been taken seriously. Until now.

The main experiment has revolved around growing trees on a secret space green house, specifically apple trees. Due to the apparent lack of gravity in space, detached apples did not fall to the ground, floating wherever they liked. Scientists bred three generations of these trees to ensure any last remnants of Earth influence were eradicated, producing a crop of pure space trees. These trees were then returned to Earth in an exciting landing mission, and replanted on terrestrial soil. When apples grew, and later fell, the findings were extraordinary.

"It was just as we had expected!" said Dr Angrav, 56, leader of RLRSTUD, "The trees that were planted in isolation dropped apples up as well as down. The trees we planted along with earth trees started to drop apples in any direction, but quickly re-adjusted to traditional Earth apple dropping directions. This suggests that trees actually drop apples downwards due to a peer pressure effect, and not gravity."

After meticulous study, these results were confirmed by an independent survey into RLRSTUD's tests. Armed with this, they decided to go public.

"We chose to announce it in Sweden first," said Angrav, "We thought that they might be most likely to believe us. Not to mention we were close by for when they handed us the Nobel Prize! Sadly they believed us all too well..."

This statement refers to the disaster that occured only a few hours after the announcement was made. The entire country had heard the news, and upon deciding it must be true, had given up on gravity. Five minutes later, the entire landmass was drifting into space, with assorted Swedes flying off in different directions.

"In hindsight, it probably wasn't a brilliant idea," said Angrav, "And now we can't get the prize because the damn thing's up in space! We'd better make sure it doesn't happen again..."

Sadly, his advice was ignored, and now the news has spread globally on assorted news websites. Experts expect global gravity to fail within the next thirty six hours.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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