Despite gossip to the contrary, it was officially announced today that Amy Winehouse is not dead, and that fans who recently purchased tickets to her concert in Glasgow will not be eligible for a refund.
The news prompted a spate of gun purchasing by irate Scottish fans who wanted to go and kill her so that they could benefit from putting her concert tickets on one of the popular internet auction sites at a vast profit. There were also rumours of people hoarding CD albums of her music, and earlier today, Wigs'R'Us ran out of fake beehive hairdos.
Dick MacSporran, leader of the Gorballs Mutual Collective and a respected Glasgow drug dealer and murderer said that there has also been a run on popular Class-A drugs such as cocaine, heroin, and Silk Cut in advance of the memorial preparations for the singer.
However, he felt that as she wasn't dead, it could be seen in very poor taste to hold a memorial concert in her honour.
Lily Allen was said to be Lily Allen.
