A history professor in England today claimed that Rome really WAS built in one day.
'I have analysed all the evidence', Professor Claudius Nero said, from his house in Oxford, 'Ivory Towers', 'and carbon-dated many bricks in Rome, and found they had all been made at the exact same time. And the Romans, ficklers for writing dates on things, carved the same date on thousands of those bricks.'
'I also now believe that when in Rome you SHOULDN'T do as the Romans do - especially if you're English. I mean it's not a great idea for English people to get drunk on wine and beer on a Sunday, and go to a Lazio game. And not surpisingly I won't shock anyone by telling them I believe that all roads don't lead to Rome. Well, the Folkestone bypass in Kent doesn't, for starters!'
This is not the first time Professor Nero has been in the news, as last year he shocked other historians by saying 'Helen of Troy's face didn't launch a thousand ships, though my ex-wife's mouth could have managed that on a Friday night, after a few beers. And the Hundred Years' War really did last exactly a hundred years, the extra time was for the armies to take holidays in the Algarve.'
From America, car maker Henry Ford said 'All mystery is junk, like all American cars are, and so is history. I recommend having a pizza in Salvatore Caligula's Lion-Feeding Trattoria in Rome's Piazza Mussolini.' And as the chef there sneezed loudly enough to be heard in Detroit, Mr Ford added unoriginally: 'With mozzarella cheese!'