Written by Kenneth Manboobs

Wednesday, 2 June 2004

image for Kansas Teen Wins Geography Bee
We're not in Kansas anymore...oh wait, yes we are

Washington - Crediting hard work and his fervent urge to be anywhere but Kansas, 14-year-old Overland Park, KS resident Andrew Wojtanik has captured the 2004 National Geographic Bee.

At an age when most teenagers can't find their ass with their own two hands Andrew correctly identified "the historic pass near the city of Peshawar (Pakistan)." "Of course the answer was ‘the Khyber Pass'", exclaimed Andrew, happy to finally be out of the vapid existence that is living in Kansas.

Andrew says he wasn't that nervous during the competition, which he suspects is part of the key. "Nervous? There is no room for nerves in a competition like this…'Nervous' gets you killed here."

He thinks he was helped by a world almanac he put together himself. It totals 432 pages, of course 400 of those pages are actually his older brother's Playboys. "The almanac has given me perfect cover, my mom thinks I spend all of my time ‘studying'. I mean, Khyber Pass, which was Miss Pakistan's handle in the October 2000 issue."

Andrew takes home a 25-thousand dollar college scholarship, a lifetime membership to the National Geographic Society, and a weeklong trip to a SeaWorld/Busch Gardens Adventure Camp.

Even after the litany of great prizes, upon returning home the victor was surprised at the lack of attention he has received from the fairer sex. "My parents were happy and all, but that hasn't really translated into much ‘action'. Sure, there was this one girl, Jenna Keady, but I think she just wanted part of my Society membership. Plus, she was flatter than, well, than Kansas."

It looks as if Andrew is finding out the hard way that the real world, unlike the one made up of old maps and nudie pictures, won't always be as easy as trumping other dorks at meaningless trivia.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Washington, kansas

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