Giraffe found strangled to death at Brookfield Zoo; ladder found beside lifeless body may contain clues

Funny story written by Robert W. Armijo

Monday, 21 January 2008

image for Giraffe found strangled to death at Brookfield Zoo; ladder found beside lifeless body may contain clues
Dusti the giraffe found strangled to death at Brookfield Zoo

Chicago, Illinois - Brookfield Zoo officials were stunned to find the lifeless body of their beloved 11-year-old male giraffe named "Dusti" in his enclosure yesterday evening. Because there appears to be no sign of a struggle, police suspect it may have been someone Dusti personally knew and trusted to allow them access to his enclosure, strangling him to death. A ladder was found beside the lifeless body, which police took into custody, dusting for prints and analyzing it for other clues.

"That would explain how the perpetrator was able to reach Dusti's 17 foot tall neck," said zoo officials, who appeared visibly shaken holding their press conference before the police chalk outline of the fallen giraffe's body in its wildlife safari enclosure.

"Even with the assistance of the ladder," said police. "We are looking at someone who, or something that, has a considerable arm length, incredible upper body strength and nearly superhuman agility to balance themselves on that ladder while choking a giraffe to death."

It is estimated with those attributes, police are not ready to narrow down the suspect list just yet to any one species of the primate family. Yet, police maybe not need look beyond the monkey house for their primate suspect.

"Look, we haven't ruled out all the homo-sapiens suspects as a species just yet," said police. "However, we are taking a closer look at the monkey house."

Police complain, however, that they have not been able to interview any of the primates.

"They're refusing to talk to us or cooperate with our investigation," said police. "Every time we approach the monkey house they throw their sh*t at us."

However, police say that, that worked out just fine for them, as they were able to cross checking it with the DNA they found at the crime scene without having to obtain a search warrant first.

Police also confirmed banana peels at the crime scene leading from the monkey house to the giraffe wildlife safari enclosure.

However, police say that they may have been planted there to make it appear that Dusti's death was an accident, slipping on the banana peelings breaking his neck or even to frame the primates.

Zoo officials confirm that the tiger attack at the San Diego Zoo earlier this year, and the Knut and Bokito incident from last year has tensions running high among the other zoo animals and reptile house as well.

"Things have been getting pretty tense around here," said a zoo official. "I just hope Dusti's death is not related to it somehow and that's it just an isolated incident."

Police are not as optimistic as they fear this maybe the first of many such violent outbreaks as animals succumb to the pressures of their unnatural captivity evermore so as climate change approaches, proving humans as unfit stewards of the earth.

"We maybe be witnessing a simple case of "monkey see monkey do," said police. "Monkeys see us murdering the planet, and they are imitating us by killing off their fellow zoo mates."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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