New study reveals shaken babies score low on tests; many southerners and WWF wrestlers affected with Shaken Baby Syndrome

Funny story written by King David

Thursday, 17 January 2008

image for New study reveals shaken babies score low on tests; many southerners and WWF wrestlers affected with Shaken Baby Syndrome
Use baby salt shakers like this one instead of your children

A new study revealed today that babies which are shaken by their parents score lower on standardized achievement and end-of-grade tests when they are school aged than their unshaken peers.

"The study is conclusive," says Shaken Baby Syndrome analyst, Dr. Lawrence C. Head of the Department of Shaken Babies at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

According to Head, Shaken Baby Syndrome is also responsible for over 15,000 deaths in America every year and a "blight of stupidity" that seems to hover over one particular region, the South.

"People think that when they make their babies quiet by shaking them like salt and pepper shakers that they are being effective parents, but the opposite is true," said Head. "They've probably shaken the baby right into a concussion. That's why they are quiet."

According to Head, it's estimated that 150 million people in the United States, or roughly half of the population have suffered from Shaken Baby Syndrome (SBS), including the American president, George Bush.

Scientists found that infant boys born to younger, unmarried mothers faced a significantly higher likelihood of being shaken than infant girls or children under the age of two with older, married mothers. Infants born to non-white mothers, or those who were born first also faced a higher risk of being shaken scientists found.

There also have been incidents where babies that have been shaken revert to previous stages along the evolutionary path according to Head.

"We know that most WWF wrestlers were shaken as infants," said Head. "And many US politicians were raised by baby shakers."

But researchers haven't determined whether the likelihood of a baby developing SBS is the result of being shaken continuously, or one strong jolt.

"This is the kind of study that is hard to control," said Head. "You just can't do this kind of stuff in your laboratory."

Municipalities across the nation have taken action into their own hands to stop the baby shakers. Many have converted their "Rabies Control" vehicles by simply scratching out the "R" in the word, "Rabies" painted on the tailgates of their trucks and replacing it with "B."

Retrained "Babies Control" staff said that they were also able to squeeze one adult into an animal cage in the bed of their truck.

"Sometimes we have to cut the cage open to get them out," says "Babies Control" officer, Andy Conda about the cages. "We're also expanding our patrol to the aisles of local supermarkets and Wal-Marts."

It is also believed that a very large percentage of Hollywood stars were shaken as infants, including Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Vanessa Huggins, and, sadly enough some former Spoof writers.

It isn't believed, however, that being rocked in a rocking chair qualifies for being shaken unless the person rocking is on speed, or some other powerful drug.

"We hope that this study will shed some more light on the conundrum of violence and youth behavior in America, said Head. "We don't want to make excuses, but we need to understand."

Studies also have verified that Sir Edmund Hillary and his sherpa, Tenzing Norgay were not shaken as babies.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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