Scientists Drug-Test the White House

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Wednesday, 22 August 2007

image for Scientists Drug-Test the White House
White House toilets drug-tested

WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - Researchers have conducted the first test of illegal drug use in the White House by sampling waste water from toilets there and discovered some surprising results.

The new tests give federal drug enforcement agencies the ability to track the spread of dangerous drugs like methamphetamines and cocaine in the White House.

University of Maryland scientists tested the White House for traces illegal drugs from wastewater streams, and were able to get a good picture of what Republicans there are snorting.

"It's a White House urinalysis," said Caleb Banana-Green, a University of Maryland drug abuse researcher who helped conduct the study. The scientists presented their results Tuesday at a meeting of the American Chemical Snorting Society in Boston.

One of the findings of the new study showed big differences in cocaine and methamphetamine use in different buildings. The White House, and particularly the toilet drain from the Oval Office, had meth and cocaine levels more than fifty times higher than other buildings in DC. Yet methamphetamine and coke levels were virtually nonexistent in some smaller DC building and in Midwestern towns.

The science behind the testing is pretty simple, since the illegal drugs that people take are excreted from the body, and end up in toilets and then wastewater treatment plants.

"Wastewater facilities are wonderful places to understand what senior Republicans snort and excrete," Banana-Green said.

In the study presented Tuesday, one teaspoon of untreated sewage water from each of the tubes in the White House was tested for 15 different illegal drugs.

At the White House, cocaine, ecstasy and Viagra tended to peak on weekdays and drop on weekends, he said, while methamphetamine and prescription drugs were steady throughout the week, particularly in the toilets near the offices of George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Karl Rove.

Banana-Green said his study suggests that a key tool currently used by drug abuse researchers, the self-reported drug questionnaires, actually underestimates illegal drug use.

He said the US Environmental Protection Agency and also the DEA are testing White House wastewater samples to monitor drug abuse.

The DEA and EPA are determined to "flush out the details" on White House illicit drug use, Banana-Green laughed. The EPA indicated it is looking at the potential harm to rivers and local citizens from illegal drug use excretions from the White House.

-Copyright Felix Minderbinder Live Wire

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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