Written by Ken Adrian

Thursday, 12 February 2004

image for Angry Vegetables - A Threat to Health?
Risk of Vegetable Uprising Imminent

Washington, D.C., U.S.A. - Scientists at the Scientific Test Area for Recent Vegetable Eating (S.T.A.R.V.E.) have confirmed that the vegetarian movement may be causing a significant shift in the natural order of our food chain.

Dubbing the phenomenon "Angry Vegetable Syndrome", lead researcher Dr. Michael T. Stowmack is warning of the possibility of a global outbreak of hostile vegetation.

"Remember that movie 'The Birds' that Hitchcock made?" asks Dr. M.T. Stowmack, "Imagine an uprising of vegetables. That's what we may be up against soon unless we start laying off the vegetables."

News of the phenomenon spread rapidly in schools across America as children began ritualistically throwing their vegetables in trash cans.

Vegetable rights advocates from Humans for the Ethic Treatment of Vegetables were quick to point out that their long-standing crusade against eating vegetables was finally paying off. "It's like photosynthetic karma dude... Now maybe all you savages will realize that vegetables have feelings too!"

Dr. Stowmack warned, "Maybe we should just start eating little artificial food cubes like in that movie 'Soylent Green'... unless of course they really ARE made from people."

Popeye the sailor, a staunch vegetable advocate, quickly issued an official statement, "Ugh-ugh-ugh, I don' cay-re what 'ze says, I'm still eatin' me spinach."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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