Written by Felix Minderbinder

Sunday, 1 April 2007

image for FDA Bans Microwave Ovens As Harmful to Human Health
Microwaves screw up molecules

WASHINGTON (AP) - The US FDA has banned the use of microwave ovens since food which is heated in a microwave inevitably causes cancer as the molecular structure of the food, and even human blood is changed, FDA Chief Ralph Roachman said at a well-attended news conference here on Monday.

"Microwave cooking is one of the most important causes of ill health," Roachman stated. "People are often killed by a simple blood transfusion when some nurse accidentally warms the blood for the transfusion in a microwave oven."

The ban of microwave ovens and microwaving was advised in FDA notice WTF/OMG-5678-9145625.

A great many scientific studies have looked at the effects of eating microwaved food and their impact on human health.

Top FDA researcher Dr. Felix Minderbinder has confirmed that microwave cooking significantly changes food nutrients into toxic chemicals, even during large-scale food processing in industry.

"Blood samples taken immediately after eating shows that microwaved food lowers human hemoglobin levels," said Dr. Minderbinder. "These results show anemic tendencies. The poor bastards in my study continued to eat microwaved food until they had no more red blood cells left and had turned white. This was particularly alarming since several of them were negroes."

"People who ate microwaved food for a year or more also become extremely violent and psychotic until they entered the cancer ward or joined the army or the CIA," added the noted researcher.

The Minderbinder research at FDA labs also found that besides destroying hemoglobin, DNA and other complex molecules, microwaving causes food molecules to form new life forms called unique radiolytic compounds. These are mutations that are unknown in the natural world. These poisons then cause deterioration of blood and immune systems.

In addition, Dr. Minderbinder found that the number of leucocytes increases then falls dramatically after eating microwaved food, something which hematologists take very seriously as it is a sign of severe poisoning.

Eating microwaved food also causes cholesterol levels to increase.

Dr. Minderbinder said "Common scientific belief states that cholesterol values usually alter slowly over longer periods of time. In this study, the markers increased rapidly after the consumption of microwaved vegetables."

After World War II, Russians had experimented with microwave ovens, and found that meat heated in microwave ovens created
d-nitrosodiethal-globulomonoparaparamono-monodianolamine, a well-known cancer-causing agent. There was also destabilization of active protein biomolecular compounds, creation of cancer-causing agents within protein-hydrosulphulated compounds in milk and cereal grains, as well as alteration in the catabolic (breakdown) behavior of glucoside and galactoside elements within frozen fruit, pies and pizzas when thawed by microwaves.

Microwaves altered catabolic behavior of plant-alkaloids when raw, cooked or frozen vegetables were exposed for even very short periods, and cancer-causing free radicals were formed within certain trace-mineral molecular formations in plant substances, especially in raw root vegetables and microwaved popcorn.

Those ingesting microwaved foods showed a statistically higher incidence of stomach, brain, nasal and intestinal cancers, plus a general degeneration of peripheral cellular tissues and higher cortical functions combined with a gradual breakdown of digestive and excretory system function.

As a result, microwave ovens were banned in Russia in 1976, although the ban was lifted after Perestroika.

"Overall, ingestion of microwaved foods causes a higher percentage of cancerous cells in blood and other human tissues and organs, due to chemical alterations within food substances, as well as malfunctions in the lymphatic system, causing hyperdegeneration of the immune system's capacity to protect itself against cancerous growth," warned Dr. Minderbinder.

"Thus the entire human blood, molecular, immune and digestive system tends to breakdown due to microwaving," Dr. Minderinder concluded. "Anyone who consumes microwaved food is doomed. Thus this FDA microwave ban is entirely justified and should have been done years ago. We have never allowed microwave ovens in the FDA cafeteria."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: cancer, Microwave

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