UK's Beagle 2 Finally Makes Full Contact

Funny story written by Blind Fool -••-

Monday, 5 January 2004

image for UK's Beagle 2 Finally Makes Full Contact
Where Two Worlds Collide, Among Other Things

Space Watch-NASA's planetary rover Spirit spent the day lazily caressing the Martian landscape taking pictures and beaming them back to Earth for an excited humanity to view.

The awe inspiring images of a surreal landscape with its red glow and rolling hills seemed to bring the world together as we contemplate our exploration of the galaxies together while putting aside our differences such as governmental politics and petty border disputes.

Then from behind a bolder dashed the Beagle 2 long thought to have crashed. It sported a Union Jack flag on one side, and on the other was a simple hand-painted flag stating, "YANKS BLOW."

The move caught NASA's Johnson Space Center off guard. Those at the European Space Agency were caught whooping it up and yelling, "Attack! Attack!"

In a matter of moments the Beagle 2 was right behind the Spirit poised for first blood. England's black bot, donning a skull and cross-bones with glowing green eyes, landed a battle-axe chop to the Spirit's left back tire causing irreparable damage.

However, with five other wheels still working perfectly, the Spirit made a mad dash for cover and was able to out run the heavy weapon-laden Beagle. But the red-coats wouldn't give up. The battle-axe switched to a metal claw-like device.

Able to calculate the Spirit's future path at current rate of speed, the Beagle's "Claw of Doom" picked up a rock and catapulted it towards the American craft making a direct hit. The impact destroyed Spirit's solar panels rendering it motionless and easy pickings for it's predator.

Beagle 2 slowly rolled up to the disabled Spirit, pulled out a flame thrower, and torched it to a crisp. Then what was left of the Spirit was picked up by the Claw of Doom and carried over to a crater and dropped in never to be seen again by human eyes.

President Bush later stated, "Dang that Tony [Blair]. And I thought I was a shuckster. Well, you gotta give him credit for spunk... especially for a Brit."

At the ESA it was all high-fives and congratulatory pats on the back.

And the cost for this little interplanetary battle is estimated at about $1.2 Billion to tax payers-give or take.

As for battlefield Mars, the Beagle2 quietly slipped into the darkness awaiting the next American landing hoping to make it two out of two for the Galactic BattleBot Championship of the Universe.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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