Ultimate Vegetarian Restaurant Opens in Paris

Funny story written by Quorum of One

Thursday, 1 March 2007

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Nutritionists have long recognized that a vegetarian diet is generally healthier than a meat-based diet. Some even claim that the human digestive system is more naturally disposed to digesting vegetables than meat. Still, we lack one important feature: the ability to break down cellulose. Plant-eating mammals, like cows, accomplish this by chewing and re-chewing their food until the cellulose fibers become digestible.

Now, at last humans can enjoy the pleasure, or at least the fuller nutrition, formerly available only to members of the ruminant suborder. Yes, recuperated cud is now available in health food stores. "This is cud that has been recovered from organically-raised cattle, then purified, disinfected, pasteurized, strained, filtered, and wormed. Oh yeah, and rinsed," explained George B. Chaw of Flavour & Pleasure Ltd., the Amsterdam-based corporation that markets pre-packaged recuperated cud under the "Wooden Chew" brand.

"Mixed with water and pressed, it forms a semi-soft, gelatinous mass that many people say tastes like tofu," continued Chaw. "Mostly these are people who've never eaten tofu before." Details on the recuperation process were available, but our reporter was unable to continue taking notes.

And now cud fanciers have their own restaurant in Paris: Rechux opened its doors last week to a standing-looking-at-a-passing-train-room-only crowd eager to sample cud-based cuisine. Taking advantage of his restaurant's propitious location across the alley from the back doors of the 6th arrondissement's municipal maternity hospital, the renowned Irish-Egyptian vegetarian chef Herb O'Said offers up an enticing house speciality of Placenta-Cud Loaf, priced at a modest $16.95 for all you can eat, which tends to make it quite a bargain for the house. Organic food specialist Baron Fields has called it "the best dish I've ever had help eating."

Rechux, 119 Rue de Boci, Paris 6.
Open seven days a week, daylight hours only.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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