Manhattan, NY President Trump announced today that he caught the planet Venus spying on the United States and found out they were planning on invading the Earth, until they heard him talking about what he would do to aliens if he ever caught them in the U.S. Then the aliens got scared and changed their plans when they heard all the hate speech against aliens. Trump then spent the next 49 minutes explaining how he had saved the world.
"It's always a feeling I get when I'm being wiretapped, I guess it's what Ivanka calls telepathy," said Trump. "I know the emanations are coming from Venus because it gets stronger when I'm out in the early evening, or early morning, when Venus is brightest. I just started talking about blowing up aliens, what we did to those aliens in that area in Nevada or New Mexico or somewhere, and just the usual anti-alien rhetoric. I'm sure they heard it, and changed their invasion plans. I'm not looking for a medal or anything, but a Purple Heart would still be nice."
President Trump closed with saying that while some pictures make Venus look beautiful, it is not as beautiful as Ivanka's new clothing line.
