"Toilet texter" ruins iPhone

Written by Jack Allen

Monday, 16 June 2014

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Not even in this situation would it be deemed suitable behaviour

25-year-old Richard Soothbeam is embroiled in a unique contract dispute with Vodafone after he forgot to take his phone out of his right hand and replace it with toilet paper before cleaning himself.

Richard, 'a scruncher' in 99% of cases according to Kleenex, is claiming accidental damage but Vodafone have responded by saying: "this level of stupidity, and the disgusting practice of using your phone when going number two, should not be rewarded with a new replacement phone".

With the number of people using their phones when on the toilet rising exponentially as the general public becomes further engrossed with technology, this case might act as a wake-up call to all established phone companies. According to insurance expert John Slotton: "cases similar to this will likely occur several times in future. We've had phones dropped in toilets before but we have not had phones being returned with human faeces lodged in the charger and headphone ports. It's a new problem for our troubled society".

Also, contrary to Internet rumours, Apple have vehemently denied claims that they will be releasing an iPhone brown this winter to counteract this new problem, but experts have warned the world's coolest brand that "shit sticks when enough is strongly wiped upon something".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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