Studies Show Ritalin Really Works!

Written by Erik North

Thursday, 23 May 2013

image for Studies Show Ritalin Really Works!
Too bad Obama doesn't use Ritalin. If he did, he could focus enough to speak AND hold an umbrella.

DES MOINES- A study from the University of Des Moines was conducted recently to learn about the true effects of Ritalin on children and teens. One student by the same of Harry Christiansen hypothesized that Ritalin works only because of the Placebo Effect. He took 100 students age 8 - 18 with ADHD and split them into two groups. One group, he gave the drug, and he gave the other group he gave a Placebo. Christiansen found that the drug had a much greater effect than the Placebo. He wrote in his journal, "The drug works good! Like, hella good!"

Christiansen went on to then study the effects of Ritalin on kids without ADHD. He conducted the exact same experiment but with kids that do not have ADHD. He found that the drug still caused them to pay more attention and be more focused. He wrote in his journal, "That drug works even on kids who don't have ADHD. That's like, woah. I didn't know those kids would have payed [sic] more attention too." He then wrote the word bro multiple times in varying fonts and colors.

So what does this mean for the future of Ritalin. Well it's exactly what you think! Ritalin will be given to kids who do not have ADHD in order to sit them down and shut them up, which is a great idea!

"It's a great idea!" said child and teen psychologist Harry Statesman, "As long as they sit down and shut up I'm happy!"

Statesman went on to list the benefits of Ritalin. "Kids will pay attention in class and at home, and they won't be hyper, which means they can do even more chores!"

Ritalin is not an over the counter drug, which means kids will need a diagnosis to access the drug. Statesman plans to diagnose kids who do not truly have ADHD in order to get them on Ritalin.

The one and only downside of this plan are the side effects of Ritalin which include nervousness, agitation, anxiety, insomnia, loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, headaches, and psychosis. But anyone would agree that having psychotic, nervous, nauseous, anxious ad dizzy kids who never eat or sleep and vomit all the tie is much better than having a kid who doesn't play attention.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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