Cheese Singles, those flat yellow rectangles of vaguely cheese tasting material are not, as advertised, cheese.
"After careful analysis of melting patterns under a hot grill," said professor of cheese, Adam Gouda, "we have concluded that, at best, they are four percent cheese."
The rest of the rectangle is made from used bubble wrap.
"Bubble wrap is a popular material," said Gouda. "Many people use it to relieve tension by popping the bubbles. But what then? What can you use bubble wrap for when the bubbles have burst?"
According to Gouda, used rectangles of bubble wrap are cut from huge sheets of reclaimed bubble wrap and sprayed with a fine mist of atomised cheese.
"Some of these companies advertise them as cheese squares," said Gouda, "but even this is not right. They're not square. In the interest of science, I measured one. Definitely rectangular, by a good three millimetres."
The cheese sprayed bubble wrap is then packaged in more plastic, which is then put into yet more plastic.
"This is cunning," said Gouda. "Most people assume that the slightly plasticy flavour comes from all that plastic that they're wrapped in. It's not. They are bubble wrap plastic."
Several of the big manufacturers, who cannot be named for named for legal reasons (like keeping a roof over the writer's head), have all hotly denied the accusations.
However, so hot was their accusation, that it crinkled up like a crisp packet in the oven.
