Apple launch a new internet protocol

Written by IainB

Tuesday, 3 July 2012


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Apple's web plans are full of holes

Fed up with letting their products get sullied with the lax, loose, insecure, virus ridden internet protocol, the next generation of Apple Products will only work with ATP pages.

Currently, internet pages as displayed by browsers, such as iBrowse, use HTTP, or HyperText Transfer Protocol. This can currently be read by just about every internet capable device in the world, such as PCs, phones, TVs, fridges, SatNavs, coffee makers and, of course, Macs. However, it being a standard from the early 1800s, it is a little out of date.

Apple will be launching the new protocol alongside the iPhone 5 and Mac Book Air 3, both of which will only be able to view web pages that are supplied with ATP. Nor will Apple allow the format to be disseminated, preventing it from being sullied by lesser quality machines, such as a PC.

"The internet is a dangerous place," said Kim Kardashian, technical developer for Apple. "More dangerous than down-town Chicago during happy hour. It's full of porn, sleeze, drugs, viruses, malware, video nasties, unscrupulous Nigerians and Justin Beiber."

According to Apple, ATP will cure this at a stroke, only allowing Apple Approved websites to exist. There will be no more hate, no more sex, no more of anything Apple don't like.

Gemma Liddon, owner of the popular website, doesn't think that she will be producing her website for Apple, even if they'd have it.

"It was bad enough coding the site for Netscape Navigator, WAP and Internet Explorer 4," she said. "There's no way I'm doing it for Apple as well."

Liddon believes that Apple's attempt to control the internet will go the same way as Microsoft's attempt in the 1990s.

"They'll fail," she said. "You'll be able to go to Apple's website, and buy stuff from Apple Stores, and that'll be it. Although Google and the BBC will probably make pages as well. Although Google will only return the BBC, and the Apple sites!"

Kardashian doesn't perceive this as a problem for the majority of Apple users.

"Our user base don't generally visit other sites anyway," she said. "I don't think any of them will notice."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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