A newly published report by Dr. Beatrice Bender, Director of the New Center for Science, dismisses parallel universes as a waste of time; according to Dr. Bender, the perpendicular universe is where it's at.
Announced Dr. Bender, "People want science to enhance their lives. Our research strongly suggests that a parallel universe simply offers people another version of their same life. Same ups and downs, same trials and tribulations, just in another version - in short, the same old crap. Who wants that?"
Dr. Bender's lead intern, Matt Hancock, a doctoral candidate in life sciences and sociology, summed up the research results more succinctly: "The parallel universe blows."
However, the cutting-edge research performed by Dr. Bender and her staff indicates that there's another option: people desiring a markedly different and better life just may find it in the perpendicular universe, which contrasts their traditional, ant-to-the-anthill existence by a full 90 degrees.
How to access the perpendicular universe? Dr. Bender explained that transitioning universes at an exact right angle requires a rarely-occurring planetary alignment and a "right" mind, the finer points of which are yet to be precisely determined.
"We'll figure it out, though," pledged Hancock. "Based on what we've seen, this perp universe could be pretty sick."
