A recent Dorking College Of Arts and Technology College research project, involving cabbages has revealed some fascinating facts. But not really all that many. But some is better than none, like a box of chocolates, at least according to Tom Hanks - in the motion picture, Shaving Private Ryan.
The study, which was funded by billionaire Russian gas baron, Dimitri Nackarov, and reputed to have cost £20, at least, was inspired by the UK's catastrophic bout of cabbage blight, which left the UK almost totally denuded of cabbage crops. (Apart from the two acre one in Herefordshire presided over by a dominant African bull elephant.)
Researcher Ashley Muldoon revealed that no matter how healthy a cabbage may appear to be, it would prove to be singularly lacking in basic humanity.
"We had a healthy specimen," Muldoon revealed. "And when I informed it that I had a pain in my testicular region, and that it was really annoying - not to mention sore - it didn't react at all. It just sat there, like, being green and that. The lack of reaction from the cabbage was definitive, in that it appeared to be totally devoid of humanity. That's probably because it isn't human - it's a vegetable - but we didn't have time to piss about. We had an experiment to conduct."
A subsequent experiment revealed - seemingly conclusively, that cabbages feel no pain. As Muldoon explained:
"I stabbed it seventy six times with a big knitting needle, and it never flinched. Didn't even make a sound. These things are just impervious to pain," he said.
In the final experiment, Muldoon revealed that he had tossed a cabbage into a swimming pool, and related that the results were startling.
"The results were startling," Muldoon told reporters. "It didn't sink, and it didn't exactly swim either. It just sort of bobbed about for a bit. Sometimes slightly below the water, and occasionally surfacing. Clearly it couldn't swim very well, so we made a note of that. We'd have spent a bit more time on the research, but the funding ran out after about ten minutes worth of experimentation. So we went down the pub."
When asked if the research would provide any insight as to the causes of the British cabbage shortages, Muldoon replied:
"Probably not. It seems that the only thing to do with cabbages is cook them and eat them. With salt, and possibly a pat of butter. Or possibly make sauerkraut out of them, if you're German. Other than that they're fucking useless."
More as we get it.
