Relief that Prevent Will Save Us From Preventing Anything

Funny story written by Jo Bokas

Wednesday, 26 February 2020

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So environmental rights and animal rights are 'concerns' to the UK Home Department, with individuals being referred to Prevent's Channel programme. Thank fuck for that. Trying to save the planet and what's left of its animals, is quite clearly a radical and extremist path to take, if it's going to mean no fuel for fighter jets and doing away with animal testing.

Why free a mink and tie yourself to a tree, when you could cut it down and displace all the animals living in it to make way for fracking? Who needs minks and trees when you could drink water that looks like your own shit after a vindaloo whilst hanging onto your children for dear life during a 7.9 earthquake? On the bright side, at least you could have a foot wank in a mink shoulder throw.

To think that the Home Department has not done this sooner, is frightening. Thankfully, we have the Tories who are always ready to step up and save us from danger. Immigrants, floods, floods of immigrants, the EU, Human Rights, non-chlorinated chicken, open public spaces, affordable housing, trade unions, basic healthcare, food. Hopefully, now that Brexit's done, we'll have time to appreciate how lucky we are, and get on with being concerned about community gardens, vegan food kitchens and mobile libraries. All breeding grounds for terrorist extremists who want to share, educate, and keep one another from slipping into a coma after only eating a Gregg's pasty since June 2016.

To think there are people going to such lengths to try and save the oceans and rainforests, when we have Ikea and Deep-sea World is madness. Why would you want to save somewhere that doesn't get an iPhone signal? Animals are for stuffing and eating, not saving. And a tree always looks better as a Hi-fi cabinet or an integrated kitchen spice system.

Boris is on the right track with HS2. Clearing woodlands, natural habitats and hedgerows, for a high speed railway between London and Birmingham will ensure our survival. Who wants all those financiers and bankers stuck in London when they could be commuting every day, spreading their fossil fuel and arms investment expertise all over the North East and beyond? They're our only hope for saving the planet one dodgy derivate and financial crash at a time. Plus, where would South America be if it wasn't for the City's generosity in buying cocaine by the Brexit bus load? And they all have maids. I'm sure the Colombians prefer deforestation, exploitation and endless drug wars, to having a few more orchids and banana trees dotted about.

And why stop at torturing and killing chickens, pigs, cows, sheep, deer, badgers, minks, rabbits, whales, bears, foxes and dolphins - there are more - when there are tonkaneeses, pugs and labrapoodles running around thinking they have a right to be on this planet with their pawsecco, lounge coats and private healthcare? Rubbing some unapproved atomic Unilever cream into their eyes, would only bolster the fact that us humans are top of the food chain. Yes, the superior species. Look at David Cameron - he knew only his cock in a pig's mouth would do to prove that point.

I'm assuming the Channel programme involves putting all the individuals referred to it in a Chinese-made rubber dinghy, and pushing it out into the English Channel without any papers; if it doesn't, then it should. I'm pretty sure if the dinghy were to capsize due to a boisterous family of seals swimming around it, Peta activists would think again before giving a shit about the survival rate of cod. If they were lucky, a nearby BP oil spill would've killed everything in the sea, so the dinghy could bob to the safety of France – oh, but they won't be allowed in.

Groups like Extinction Rebellion, Peta and Stand up to Racism definitely sound more like terrorist extremists to me than terrorist extremists. In fact, they sound the most dangerous. Covering the Treasury in red paint, posing naked in front of a slaughtered bear, and playing Imagine in the middle of London Bridge, is far more frightening than mass inequality, mass hunger, mass surveillance and mass extinction. On the bright side, at least we know who our enemies are.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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