Top 5 Best Low-Priced Birthday Gifts for Your Demon Children

Written by Jesus H. Christ

Thursday, 28 March 2019

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Out of ideas? Can’t find a proper gift for your 98-chromosome, bloodsucking monster’s birthday party? Want nothing to do with this child when it throws a tantrum in your local Party City while all of the other parents of actually decent human beings look on in dismay? Well you don’t have to live in constant fear and might not have to hide the knives anymore! Our mothers on staff here have heard your cries and have constructed a list of the top 10 best low price toys for your shrieking, likely possessed lifesucker to destroy instead of your sanity.

1. A cat

Price: Free. You can probably just go anywhere and find one of these things on the street.

Just throw it in your house and your urchin will probably grab it’s by its tail and fling it into a wall. If it dies, just get a new one. If the cat attacks the kid, maybe it’ll get rabies or something. Overall, it’s a win win situation.

2. A low-res copy of The Satanic Bible

Price: $8.99 or less. For the book, use an Amazon Prime free trial for a day to get it delivered fast and for free. Then, go to your local library and use up all of the ink in the photocopier to make a barely readable, low-res copy of the book before stapling it together. After that, just sell the book used and get more than half of your money back.

Ah, now this one is simply genius. A perfect, fun way to get your sack of garbage off of your shoulders. Just hand a low-res copy of the satanic bible to this monster and lock it in a room. Remember to give it a few candles, some pig’s blood, a cross and the skull of an ox which you can probably find around the house anyway. Not only will the book itself keep the thing occupied, but the struggle to make out the words will as well. Just remember not to open the door. You’ll know if it’s working if you can hear deep growling and a few latin chants here and there.

3. A baby doll

Price: Upwards of 10 bucks probably.

A perfect thing for your spawn of satan to sink its filthy fangs into. A plastic, porcelain, etc. doll serves as a perfect teether for your toddler terror. Just give it to the thing and watch it tear it to shreds.

4. An actual human infant

Price: I don’t know. Just steal one, I guess.

Pretty much the same instructions and results as the baby doll but you may need some earplugs.

5. A thermonuclear war weapon

Price: An alliance with the Russians.

Perhaps the best one of all. Simply wheel the 30 ton tsar bomba into your living room and let your infant insect go wild on it. Not only will it put you out of your misery, but also everyone in a 22 (or more)mile radius! Perfect!

We hope that you’ve learned something about taming your arrogant, unfeeling swine. Tune in next time for our top 5 best christmas gifts for your obnoxious, ignorant aunt whom everyone despises to let her know that climate change is real. Cheers!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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