Written by JinoLeFeeto

Saturday, 18 August 2018


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image for Born To Spoof New Beginnings: Chapter 6 - Beijing Anyone?

From Chapter 5: As if on cue, a large door at the far end of the "New" Spoof Headquarters rolled up revealing a large boring machine like something from a science fiction movie with a glittering pointed drill bit about 30 feet across and a machine driven with large tracks. It was so large it took two drivers; the first one I recognized as Monkey Woods, but the other one took more time. He was a little downtrodden, wearing old jeans and a ragged white t-shirt. I knew him only by his nickname: EQ.

"Ahhhhhh, Mr EQ, I thought I'd killed you as well. Welcome home!" bellowed Mark, as the machine came to a stop.

"Not quite, sire, you bastard. The bullet hit my pacemaker," replied EQ. "Make sure you don't turn your back on me, you pile of snail slime."

"Now, now, then! Let's get this show on the road! Line it up with that big x in the floor, Monkey man!" shrilled Mark. "I want to make Beijing by morning! I have a surprise waiting for all my writers there! You won't want to miss THAT, Mr Lefete!"

I cringed at hearing my old writer's credential used. It'd been a long time, but not long enough. I used the shard placed in my hand by #3 to cut through my ropes one strand at a time until, finally, the last one popped loose. I continued to keep my hands where they'd been.

#3 was saying something to the Monkey. "This thing doesn't really work, does it, 'tis all a show piece?"

"The blaggart gives me 48 hours to deliver something. I stole it from a Circ du Soleil troop downtown," said Monkey, with a straight face."

"What are we going to do when it goes nowhere then?" I whispered.

"I managed to get one of the old portals kinda working," said Monkey.

"Merde!" said E.Q., not-very-quietly catching Mark's attention.

"What was that, old chap?" said Mark, striding over towards us.

"Oh, nothing much, Boss, we're just calculating the route to Beijing and E.Q. had a typo, would've put us out in France somewheres, no worries," said Monkey.

"He said 'Shit!' if you didn't catch it," said #3. "That's French, Markus."

E.Q. took the portal box from Monkey, and placed it by the X in the floor, then flipped a switch. The portal sprang to life, albeit somewhat lopsided.

"OKAY! FORWARD!" yelled the Monkey, flipping some switches to make the drill appear to be doing something. Another switch blew out some impressive smoke into the light arrays. Mark had climbed aboard, and now stood with the writers as the "drill" nosed into the portal.

A huge flash of light surrounded the drill, and flung us forward. "Next stop Beijing!" cried Mark.

The luminous envelope of light billowed out in front and around us, then suddenly there was another enormous flash and thunderous roar, and we were all hurled from the drill.

When I looked, I was half expecting to be in a Chinese KFC, but then Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House of Representatives, held out a hand to help me up.

"Ummm, glad to help, but you folks can't park that thing here, this is the Speaker's Chambers, it's tware I do my Speaker stuff and thinkin' and such," said Paul Ryan.

"Monkey, this ain't Beijing," I said taking Ryan's hand with more than a bit of queasiness, "I think I just swallowed some vomit. This has got to be D.C."

"Beijing?" asked Ryan. I couldn't tell if he was confused or just his normal tone. "This is Washington D.C., fellas. Say, how did you get this rig in here in the first place?".........(To be continued)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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