Woman's Genetic Roots Gnarled With Irish Shame

Written by Harry Klondike

Sunday, 7 August 2016

image for Woman's Genetic Roots Gnarled With Irish Shame
Ms. Lypchits age 23 during happier times

Dayton OH: Margaret Lypchits just hasn't been the same since her 58th birthday resolution to do a "life make-over". She explains; "I'd been divorced for 8 years. My maiden name is Lypchits which I legally changed it back to around a year ago. My husband left me for a younger thinner woman- just like you'd go do a trade in for a new car. I decided that before 60 I wanted to loose the 130lbs I've been meaning to shed. I've been working out in a home gym built from stuff I bought off of TV commercials and doing the Richard Simmons diet stuff. I've lost 3 pounds over the past 8 months and was feeling encouraged. I kept seeing these commercials on TV for websites offering DNA and ancestry researches to find out where you're from. My last name has always been strange so I went online and signed up for the web services and test kits, all the while doing some detective work of my own using the computer."

The Great Hebrew Hope

"I was convinced that my maiden name Lypichits was a variation of the name Lipschitz. I was so excited! I was Jewish! I made all of these plans in my mind of where I could go worship, how I could still fit Christmas into my life without being off-putting to my people. I just don't think I could ever let go of having a pine tree in the house during December. I went and bought some khaki pants and a dark blouse with faux black pearls to wear to the Holocaust museum in D.C. I was so excited!" she explained.

Hopes Dashed

After a month of Margaret's DNA sample being sent back it returned showing she was 87% Irish, 10% English, and 3% French. It was her ancestry which proved to be the real knife to the heart. After all this DNA proved nothing of her place in the pan Judea refuge she'd longed for. The ancestry told the shameful filthy truth. It turns out her name comes from a horrific affair occurring over 200 years ago in Ireland.

A wealthy fair maiden by the name of Alva O'Donnell dressed in her finest attire one morning in the year 1798. A haughty, somewhat aggressive woman- she was quite the monomaniac when it came to punishing others. She derived a lustful kick at the idea of corporal punishment for children and capitol punishment for criminals.

Known as "Atrocious Alva" she was at every public execution back in the day. One particular execution which piqued her interest was more on par with a massacre. The event was at a bridge in Wexford. She commissioned a boat to ferry her into the river for a front row seat of men being mutilated and dumped into the waters below. Things went well at first... during the orgy of sadism one poor chap was hurled over the bridge with a rope haphazardly tied around his neck. Against the warning of her captain she demanded he paddle closer so she could see him slowly die.

It was sheer joy being so close to this man's suffering as his legs kicked reflexively only yards from the beaming Alva. Then something hit her mouth. It was some feces that had rolled to the bottom of the pant leg and was kicked sending it straight onto Alva's scarlet lips. After reaching up with her white linen glove and wiping away the material she screamed and fainted.

This was such a public humiliation for a widowed woman of pride and stature. She became a recluse and when word got back that her ill treated children (two boys; one girl) were being called O'Shite-lips at school she forced them into seclusion as well. Rumors swirled after that. "She took up devil worship, witchcraft, and even breached the taboo of incest!" they whispered. These were all tales told with no proof which made them all the more delicious to believe.

In tears Margaret said; "I wanted a new lease on life. Now I know my family's legacy and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don't believe Alva would have worshiped the devil... but the incest would explain why I have alopecia, Sjögren's syndrome, polymyalgia, and could never bear children....

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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