The American Psychiatric Association released a controversial statement this week that classifies goth style as a condition to be treated with anti-depressants.
APA spokesman Cole Redpost suggested in a press release that families and loved ones of those suffering from Goth or Narcissistic Depressive Disorder now have medical treatment options to choose from for NDD sufferers.
"The APA is recommending a wide range of antidepressants be made available for doctors to prescribe to their Goth or NDD patients. The same medications work well when treating the families and friends of NDD patients for depression after they are exposed to NDD."
Pediatrician Mabel Inness opposes the new recomendations.
"We've got to stop seeing every behavior and parenting problem as a disorder that needs to be treated with pharmaceuticals. In this case we're talking about a stylistic choice made by millions of healthy kids and adults, goth is not any kind of sickness or disorder. Now you've got Doctor Drew appearing all over TV supporting this ridiculous idea--people have lost all common sense."
Ralph Nader consumer advocate and former presidential candidate gave his own press conference in Saint Louis, Missouri, to which The Spoof was the only media outlet to actually show up. Nader gracefully waited to give his talk until this reporter arrived.
"The pharmaceutical companies made record profits convincing doctors that opioid pain killers were the safe go-to drug for all ails. Now that the FDA is clamping down on the ability of doctors to prescribe them so freely, the drug companies need to sell us something new: the invention of Narcissistic Depressive Disorder is a test case for the pharmaceutical giants to see what we'll swallow next. The APA, clearly in the pocket of these companies, is set to release recommendations for treating a whole list of crimes and misdemeanors that they think can be treated with antidepressants: shoplifting, tax evasion, and aggressive driving will be the next things to be categorized as disorders."
In Tornel, Alabama, one young woman, a self described "goth", was kidnapped and held by goth deprogrammers hired by her family. She was forced to take antidepressants and wear pastel colors for a week until her friends convinced police that something really had happened to her.
On a hunch, investigators found her when they searched a guesthouse where a young man once claimed to be held against his will and forced to "pray away the gay" with Boroughs West Church members.
The international law firm of Sanders and Cassandro is now representing the woman in multiple suits against the woman's family, the church deprogrammers, and seven pharmaceutical companies.
"It's one of the most egregious cases I've ever seen," barrister Beth Cassandro told this reporter by phone. "But it all started with the drug companies funding research to show that goth is a treatable disorder. We're seeking a large punitive judgement in civil court regardless of the criminal charges the individuals may face. A monetary judgement will hit them where it hurts and get the message through to these billion dollar companies to stop inventing disorders for profit."