Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

image for Super Trump-o-matic 2016 [Advertisement]
A Trump Smoothie, made from the Super Trump-o-matic 2016

(After an SNL Skit)

Spokesman: How many times has this happened to the Republican Party? You have an election coming up, and you're trying to find an exciting new candidate who doesn't sound like he was just released from the looney bin. And then a jackass like Donald Trump comes along. You could skin Trump, remove Trump's tail, head and bones, and serve his ass up to the base of the GOP. But why bother, now that you can use Rhonco's amazing new kitchen tool, the Super Trump-o-matic 2016? Yes, establishment Republicans, the days of troublesome skinning, skewing and gutting are over, because Super Trump-o-matic 2016 is the tool that lets you cook Trump's ass with no waste, and without skinning, skewing or gutting!

Here's how it works: Catch a Trump at a campaign event, remove the mic from his mouth, and drop Trump--that's the whole Trump, including the hair--into the Super Trump-o-matic 2016. [drops the Don into the blender] Now, adjust the control dial so that the Trump is blended just the way you like him. [turns blender on and grinds Trump to a pulp] Yes, it's that simple!

[cut to ecstatic Trump-o-matic customer on another part of the set]

Trump-Drinker: [drinks a glassful of Trump] Wow, that's terrific Trump!

[cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: We've got a Trump smoothie here, fast and easy and ready to pour, mmm-mmm! Super Trump-o-matic 2016 comes with ten interchangeable rotors, a two-month guarantee, and a booklet, 1,001 Ways to Cook Trump's Ass. Super Trump-o-matic 2016 works great on other potential loons who might run from the Right, too, like Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, or Allen West. [blends one of each]

Super Trump-o-matic 2016--it's clean, simple, and after five or ten candidates, you might even get some air time from Rush! Super Trump-o-matic 2016--a sure and sustainable way to get rid of the loons in the Republican Party, and maybe even win a presidential election for once.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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