Written by Ray Bellew

Thursday, 8 January 2015

My name is Joey Diamond and I'm a private investigator. Yesterday, I was sitting in my office, basicly twittling my thumbs, when two strange looking dudes walked in and introduced themselves. "I'm Wee Willie Winkie. I run through the town. Upstairs and downstairs in my nightgown. Rapping at the windows, crying through the lock. Are the children now in bed? For now it's eight o'clock."

"Well," I said "that explains the nightgown." I looked at the other guy. He was wearing a wide brimmed black hat with a long red feather sticking out of it and carrying a bagpipe. "And you are?"

"Peter Piper."

"As in," chimmed in Wee Willie Winkie:

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
Where's the peck of pickled peppers that that
Peter Piper picked?"

"Let me guess," I said. "you want me to find the missing peck of pickled peppers that Peter Piper picked?"

"Right," said Peter Piper. It took me a long time to pick a peck of pickled peppers, and now my peck of pickled peppers have been picked from me by some pickled pecker."

"Whatever." I said. "Anyway, I think I know who has your peck of pickled peppers."

"Who?" said Wee Willie Winkie.

"Old Mother Hubbard."

Peter Piper nodded. "Makes sense," he said.

"Clue me in," said Wee Willie Winkie."

"Okay," I said. "Can you recite Old Mother Hubbard?"

"Old mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone.
When she got there
The cupboard was bare
So the poor little doggie had none."

"Now, do you catch on?" Asked Peter Piper.

"I think so. Your guess is that Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard is no longer bare. You think it's full of your peck of pickled peppers."

"Only one way to find out," I said. So we found Old Mother Hubbard and I said, "Old Mother Hubbard, where's your cupboard?"

At which point Old Mother Hubbard pulled a big Colt 45 from her apron pocket, bradished it at at us and said:

"I am Old Mother Hubbard,
And if you go near my cupboard,
I will fill you all with hot lead.
So have a nice day.
Please be on your way.
It's better than winding up dead."

So, we left, and as the saying goes, we all lived happily ever after.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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