THE FOLLOWING LETTER, LATELY DISCOVERED, WAS WRITTEN BY SHAKESPEARE TO HIS MISTRESS JULIET HADHERWAY.
Dear Juliet,
It is never easy to part, such sweet sorrow, but I shall remember you fondly. To your father Shylock I tender my regards.
Our nuptial vows were a tabernacle of veneration to me that I never strayed far from but when I learnt that you had an affair in Italy with the Moor called "Othello" I am afraid, I could not contain my anger. To have a rival who is a fellow Freemason such as my good brother Francis Bacon... an incorrigible womaniser, is one thing; and you must give me praise for having overlooked the transgression; but to have a rival who is not a Freemason but is black as soot, to boot, and foreign, is more than I can ingest. I am afraid I must divest myself of our intimacy for the sake of my English heritage.
Indeed, as I reflect on my properties and general holdings, I must confess that you are a most desirable wench irrespective of your magnanimous dowry; with strong child-bearing hips broad and welcoming as the Nile at full flood; thou boasteth also a concupiscent and playful spirit worthy of any mare, teeth that were ne'er made to munch on pigs' feet, breasts to feed a nation, as well as thighs sturdy enough to crush walnuts: I am sure you will find a more suitable mate if you but leave Venice; one with attractive calf muscles, comely eyebrows, and possible Masonic connections to the court of our gracious Queen Elizabeth; plus, one would hope against hope, a lucrative salary that your esteemed father would be proud of, if God speed. But I would urge you to give up the Moor who is prone to vicious jealousies and who may not be so understanding of your natural flirtatiousness as I have been. You have been warned.
PS: The writing of plays is not harlotry as you announced as you left our bed some weeks ago; and I can assure you my actresses are not all whores, as rumour has it. We consider ourselves to be engaged in an honourable profession despite what the press may say. Look out for my forthcoming play "Hamlet" in which I hope to express my misgivings and doubts about harlotry in general and our unfortunate liaison in specific. If I turned my back on your suggestion that I give up my noble art to take up the more profitable profession of embalming I sincerely hope posterity will acquit me.
With Kind Regards,
Will Shakespeare
