Why Netflix Is the Messiah

Funny story written by barrettpfeiffer

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

For years now, people have feasted their eyes to the sky and have asked The Lord to come back to this earth in hopes for a better future. I'm sure god said to his people that he did not feel that the time is ready, so he sent a piece of fortune that would help them…"forget about it."

"I have a Netflix account" is such an effortless sentence. Saying something more like "I hold before me the power of wisdom, truth, Revenge (season 1), greed, hope, excitement, and most of all, "lies on top of lies on top of lies" - Skyler White.

You must take pride in what you own, or the username and password you stole from that Lost obsessed guy that sits in the cubicle next to you quoting Arrested Development all day (I just described myself). Owning all of these movies and tv shows is no laughing matter, unless you're watching a comedy of course but that's besides the point. You must take in and let Netflix soak it's information into your brains. Yes, Netflix does make long term side effects like hipsters that live for screenwriting but that's okay, just ignore them. They won't bother you if you don't bother them.

Netflix is somewhat like a really exciting bible. Considering I know almost nothing about the bible (I'm not even positive I'm spelling it right), I can only determine this in simplistic terms.

1. The Bible has numerous stories and pages, Netflix has numerous epic stories and shows that, well, gave it their all.
2. The Bible has the apocalypse, Netflix has about 30 apocalypses, so the end of the world is your oyster.
3. The Bible has a man who comes to the world to teach the gospel and give the people the love and compassion to renew their ways, Netflix has the recommendation tab.

Netflix is glorious, it gives us what we need when we are down in our ways and caught up in the moment. Some go there for a laugh, some go for a cry, some go to have nightmares at night from watching too much american horror story (again, describing me). No one can reason with it, so quit begging for 3 Ninjas Kickback because Netflix only gives what it can and you must respect that.

When you go up to the pearly gates of the search bar, always remember what is in store for you. "If you can't take the heat then get out of the kitchen applies to Netflix, except instead of heat it's your social status and instead of kitchen it's your future.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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