Fat, wrinkled, old, or simply past its sell by date? Here are 10 tips to grow a replacement arse.
1) Buy good quality arse seeds or plants to avoid disappointment.
2. When you start your arse farm don't try and do it all at once. Put bin bags over a portion of the garden to kill off any weeds and just cultivate a portion of the land that you feel comfortable with at the beginning.
3. Dig in early. If possible, turn the soil in autumn as the winter frosts will break down the clods of soil. If not, do it in spring, but you will have to break the soil down yourself.
4. Conserve water, use water butts (Sorry for the pun) and avoid over watering which can weaken or destroy arselings. Add mulch or organic matter annually.
5. For the best crops, do your research and know when to plant! Your library will have books that can help.
6. With arses being non-storable it is best to plant little but often, say one row at a time to avoid waste.
7. Be sure to thin the arselings out as they grow to avoid clustering. This will result in better buttocks.
8. Pick arses when they are fresh.
9. Tackle problems promptly. The worst thing you can do is leave a problem. There is help available; speak to the Arse Development Secretary or Arse Liaison Officer who will be only too happy to help.
10. Be green!! Compost green material and kitchen waste, such as egg shells and potato peelings in the bin at your arse farm. It's better for the environment than burning it and the compost is great for your arses as well.