Severely traumatised and finally emerging from a Swiss clinic after seven years of therapy, this is Jack Schitt's story as told to Blodwyn Jones, our Welsh affairs correspondent:
Exactly as things happened:
Announcement: Welcome to the Eisteddfod! If you want to shelter from the rain, or find some towels, whatever the weather at this year's Eisteddfod, call at Aberystwyth University's stall, and you can be assured of a warm welcome. Free drinks of water are available, and you are very welcome to chat with University staff over a cup of tea.
If you are a school pupil, and we can't imagine why anyone else would come, you can find out more about the University, or come over to reminisce if you have already studied at the College by the sea! Teachers are also welcome to come and be depressed by staff regarding the opportunities for studying at the University. Children can draw pictures and meet Dewi the Dolphin, the University's Dean! Additionally, many other activities will be held at the stall during the week. Representatives from the Institute of Mathematics and Physics will be doing some high kicking dance routines and poetry activities on the stand during the week.
A programme of events is in place, and you will be not be able to escape watching the Eisteddfod on our TV screen. Computers will also be available for use and visitors to the stall can have free access to the Welsh windbags all week. All are welcome to join us, and we are sure we have something to bore everyone.
Computer Science will be in the Welsh Learner's Tent during the week with their laugh a minute 'learn Welsh' app.
Following on from the success of the Hacio'r Iaith event at the Eisteddfod in Wrexham last year, the Department of Theatre, Film and Television will put on a ridiculously pompous play spoken in complete silly arsed gobbledegook and hold a similar event in the GefnLen.
Think you can run in a force ten rain storm in an anorak like the experts?
On it went relentlessly like this for one solid week and with dogs patrolling and electrified fences, there was no prospect of escape. Jack was found bedraggled, insane and wet through by the perimeter fence after 34 escape attempts.