Mama Kardashian Bemoans a Slow News Week

Funny story written by Samuel Vargo

Monday, 23 December 2013

image for Mama Kardashian Bemoans a Slow News Week

"Those Duck Dynasty guys have ruined my week! We haven't had one news item on TV, online, or in print in an entire seven days!" Kris Kardashian complained to her daughter Kim and North West's baby-daddy Kanye West.

"Mom, these Duck guys are done. They're cooked. Just like a cooked goose," Kim said.

"Yeah, I don't think they'll be entering the hip-hop scene anytime soon," Kenye snipped. "Unless they come up with something like 'Busted and Disgusted in the Swamps of Louisiana.'"

With tears in her eyes, Mama Kardashian started to weep loudly. She didn't even cry when she separated from longtime hubby Bruce Jenner.

"I only want the best for my daughters. It's important for us to always have some little something on TMZ, or Extra, Entertainment Tonight or even some wise-crack smear on Chelsea Lately. I called E this morning and they haven't gotten back to me yet. Our publicist says just be patient. Those duck-calling manufacturers won't be on top forever."

"Hell, that Phil Robertson says he's never seen any blatant racism in the Deep South, even before the Civil Rights Movement. Holy smokes, I was down there just a few weeks ago and I saw plenty of it. Enough to make me sick. I'm writing a song about it, in fact," Kanye mentioned.

The three were on the back patio of Kim's house and a slew of paparazzi were on an adjoining lawn taking pictures of their little coterie.

"Smile for their cameras, Kim and Kanye. Oh, I've never been so happy to see the paparazzi! Just like old friends! At least they haven't forgotten us!" Mama Kardashian yelled with glee.

Kanye put his arm around Kim's shoulder and beamed a wide and becoming smile. The cameras clicked like mini-firecrackers.

"Hi guys. If you get thirsty over there, we have plenty of coffee. My manservant will be happy to deliver you some fresh cups. Made to order. And if you get thirsty in the afternoon, there's plenty of champagne left over from Kim's marriage to the basketball star," he said in a loud voice.

"We're fine," one of the camera-clicking pests said from across the lawn.

"Yes, Mother, just a few months ago you took out the family rifle and tried to shoot one of those camera clickers who was on your front lawn. I'm grateful you're such a bad shot. The whole happy family would be in the front row of a courtroom awaiting the verdict in your murder trial," Kim said.

"Don't remind me of that. Sometime I lose my temper. It's not easy being in the limelight all the time. I've been in the limelight for so long it's almost like radiation," Kris said.

"Fried, dyed, and laid to the side," Kanye snipped.

"Shut up!" Kim yelled at him.

"Settle down, girl," he said.

"Hey, why don't you send your manservant over here with a bottle of that bubbly," a grizzly-haired paparazzi member requested. He was positioned on the shoulders of another paparazzi so he could take some good shots from over the neighbor's fence.

"Your wish is my command," Kanye said.

Kanye then skedaddled into the glass doors of the patio to hunt down the manservant and send over a case of the fine champagne.

"I don't like all those bottles lying around the basement. That marriage lasted 72 days and I'm king now," Kim heard her new beau say from the kitchen.

Kris put her arm over her daughter's shoulder and smiled a pretty one for the photogs. It was a rare picture indeed, one of true altruism.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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