Head of Scientology Concert Rider

Written by Al N.

Thursday, 21 November 2013

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Before David Miscavige, the Pope of Scientology, can make an appearance at YOUR venue, the following must be adhered to:

1. Mr. Miscaviage must have two 16 course dinners waiting for him after his bloviating speech as he will be very hungry from using the teleprompter so much. He will choose which meal he feels like having and the other one should be tossed. Also, there should be rice and beans available for the staffers accompanying Mr. Miscaviage.

2. When speaking to Mr. Miscaviage, the first time he is addressed he should be called "Your Awesomeness." After that, "sir." Do not look directly at Mr. Miscaviage.

3. Mr. Miscaviage is height challenged, so if one hears a whiny voice, they should look down to find the little midget. Do NOT mention his height.

4. The names Katie Holmes and Leah Remini must not be spoken. Or the films After Earth or Battlefield Earth. In fact, any movies about anything Earth.

5. Also, no one in Mr. Miscaviage's family should be mentioned, especially his wife Shelly or his niece Jenna.

6. 18 cases of the finest Scotch available and 12 cartons of Camels (non-filter) should be provided.

7. A corner of the dressing room should be roped off and made to look dark and dank. This is to be used as "The Hole," where anyone who displeases or disagrees with the tiny dictator will be placed.

8. The Wee One will imagine important people call him for advice. Humor him.

9. The Tiny Titan likes to hit people. Any employee hit by the wee one will wince and pretend it hurt them badly. Tears would be a plus.

10. Any employee who will come in contact with the asthmatic dwarf must complete a course which involves staring eye to eye with other people for hours and shouting at ashtrays.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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